vulnerability

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On my silence

I’ve taken somewhat of a sabbatical from blogging the last six months or so. (With the exception of posts for Rhema every now and then because I’m the student blogger.)

Writing everyday was supposed to help me find my voice. And it did a great job of developing my follow through muscles, which were disgracefully atrophied at the time. 

I am truly grateful for that sweet season. It was necessary and life-giving and a ton of fun. 

 At almost 27, though, it seems that the journey to find my voice, my path, has me in the thickest patch of woods right now. All scratched up, running into branches and scary spiderwebs (the kind you don’t see until it’s too late). 

And whenever I write, I have this habit of spinning things to show only the rosy side of life. I discovered in one of my classes this year on personality types that  this trait is quite common amongst folks with my personality type. 

It serves me well 90% of the time. I can’t help but see the good and in this dark world that’s a true gift. 

However, when your own path is dim and you can’t find your way, tripping over your own feet, it’s hard to add a positive spin. 

Not just hard but exhausting. You feel dishonest and unsure what to do with yourself and words that are rosy but not really true. 

So I took some time off. This summer I want to hop back in to more frequent  writing. 

Still not sure what it will look like but I didn’t know the first time around either! 

Thanks for sticking around and understanding. Ready for a new adventure? So am I. 

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Just keep asking

“I’m just going to keep asking if I can help. Who knows? One day the answer might be yes.”

After the Boiler Room I was teasing one of my friends–a mom with two young kids–about her not accepting my requests to help ferry things to her car. 

She’s never really needed my help because her husband is great at taking care of that kind of stuff–which is awesome btw. 

It got me to thinking…

There’s nothing wrong with sticking your neck out after being turned down by whoever you’re trying to help. 

Just keep asking. 

Just keep being a friend. 

I truly believe that’s one of the biggest reasons most Christians aren’t making disciples like we should be. 

Most of us give up way too fast on people. 

Most of us have bought into the lie of microwave evangelism when evangelism and discipleship is more akin to a crock pot. 

It takes time. 

I’ve spent a lot of time in different communities where trust is everything. 

You have to show up and keep your word. When you don’t, you better fess up fast because the people can smell a phony a mile away. 

This kind of intentional lifestyle of service is refining; think about it like sand paper that takes off the rough edges. It demands absolute sincerity. 

And it’s truly the most worthwhile way to live. 

I am a better person and Jesus follower because of this demand to slow down, to take off my mask. 

Going back to what I said earlier, never stop asking how you can help. 

Being available to serve is a foundational teaching within the gospel. If Jesus’ mission was to serve and not to be served, then that’s our mission too. 

Be unrelenting in your pursuit to help, to pray, to encourage. 

You might get turned down 9 times out of 10. 

You might get cussed out. 

You might be misunderstood. 

Just keep asking. 

Because your quest to serve will provide opportunities to share the love of Christ in ways you could never orchestrate on your own. 

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Fences versus Prisons

“I’m cool with whatever. You decide.”

My friend looked at me with gracious (and patient) eyes as I sidestepped her question.

“I wish you’d tell me what you’re really thinking.”

The comment took me aback.

I am terrible at telling people what’s really going on inside of my head.

Never giving your input isn’t the ultimate form of humility and self-sacrifice.

You’re really hiding by slamming the door of trust and connection in someone’s face.

And you’re driving the people you love crazy.

I don’t care.

It doesn’t matter to me.

If that’s what you want to do.

We say these things, but deep down we do care and it does matter and you have wants.

It’s impossible to not care about everything.

(Can all of the exasperated people on the receiving end of these comments say, “Amen!“?)

I’m the world’s worst person at being an overly passive, peace loving person….

This is a real struggle for me.

My (un)natural tendency is to keep things buried deep down inside.

Another friend recently told me that standoffish nature in college held me back in many ways–and it’s true.

I kept people at arm’s length.

She expressed her thankfulness when I became a more open person. The change opened a lot of doors of opportunity that remained shut in years past.

Let me be very clear:

We all need to have boundaries and to guard our hearts. Prison bars and barbed wire fences, though, are a bit much.

Now, I’m building a nice fence that looks less like a maximum security prison and more like a simple property marker.

My challenge to you is to honestly answer the next question asked of you.

Can I get your opinion?

What do you prefer?

Is this something you want to do?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Emotional traffic jam

I’m struggling with what to talk about. 

This is one of those nights when the thoughts in my head are taking up a lot of room. 

It’s my practice to not share things that are still fresh. The emotions are too hard for me to juggle. 

Maybe that’s the safe route, the boring route, but I just can’t do it right now. 

And before you get too concerned, everything is fine. No one is hurt or dead. 

The traffic jam of thoughts has me cloudy and a bit unsure. 

Has this ever happened to you?

How do you handle emotional traffic jams?

Some bloggers know how to navigate and share accordingly. I’ve read their blogs and admire their bravery. 

Then there’s me…

The girl who spends more time talking around her feelings than about them. 

The girl whose hands get shaky sharing her thoughts on a good day. 

Sorry that you’re stuck with me for now. 

I’m a work in progress. 

The truth shall set you free, right?

Now, to publish this post before I chicken out….

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Getting real

You don’t have to say everything that’s on your mind. 

In fact, I highly encourage you not to say everything. The amount of trouble I’ve gotten myself into by sharing my opinion too openly is ridiculous. 

Much of my heartache could’ve been avoided–if only I’d shut my mouth!

But there’s a flip side to this topic as well. 

I also tend to not tell people how I really feel or think. The natural peacekeeper in me hates conflict of any kind. 

And, no, I don’t have multiple personalities. 

It’s just that I over talk about the trivial things and not say enough when it matters. 

Can anyone else relate?

This is a real struggle for me. 

I’ve bitten my tongue so hard it’s drawn blood when I needed to speak and then blabbed about something trivial–like a movie or a singer’s latest album–for several minutes. 

Staying surface would be so much easier because there’s absolutely no risk. Funny, though, how you can’t talk about faith in Christ without going deep. 

I’m not saying to shove religion down someone’s throat or to act like a weirdo with no social skills either. 

The sincerity I’m referring to comes from being intimately seen and known:

  • Your strengths and weaknesses are out in the open. 
  • You have nothing to hide and nothing to lose. 

I’m not going to lie. This kind of intimacy frightens me. God and I continue to talk about this aspect of faith. 

The Bible gives us clear instructions, which trumps any apprehensive emotions I experience. 

We are called to live vulnerably. 

At work. 

At home. 

At church. 

Paul told the believers at Corinth to imitate me as I imitate Christ (1 Corinthians 11:1). 

His life was an open book–on purpose. 

I’m all about boundaries and I’m not promoting keeping toxic relationships on life support. However, our need for comfort and control is keeping us from being open. 

We all talk about “being real” but do we really understand what this means? 

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Heart language matters

I saw the importance of communication today.

For many years, Mr. and Mrs. Lee have rented a storage unit whenever they move.

Mrs. Lee is deaf.

I remember the first time I met them, which was the first month I started working at Storage Depot (before I started learning sign language). My boss had to write back and forth with Mrs. Lee about pricing and unit sizes.

heart languageFast forward to now, 11 months into my learning sign language. I was able to interpret for Mrs. Lee and she came to life! She talked and talked! It was so cool to see the power of communication in action.

Knowing someone’s heart language is important, especially when you’re on the mission field.

Each of us was born with an innate desire to be known and understood. Language barriers are the biggest deterrents to connection.

I’ve received a TON of help from the deaf community because week after week I show up and try. Even when I completely mess up, my friends kindly and gently encourage me and teach me the right way. Who could guess that my bumbling efforts would be so well received? I certainly didn’t expect it!

For many of my deaf friends, though, their own parents never made an effort to learn sign language. One of my friend’s mom started learning sign once my friend was grown. As my friend shared the story with me, there were tears in her eyes.

“This is what I’ve always wanted.”

Heart language matters. If you want to make an impact learn a culture’s heart language.

And this is true of any culture–not just deaf culture.

So, for all of my friends who feel drawn to a certain country or culture, take this advice from someone who has seen the difference: Language is key.

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I know where I’m going

IMG_1694Many times the Lord gives me direction through dreams. I think of it like a road map.

“Audra, this is where you are headed.”

With a dream, though, comes the knowledge that staying stuck is not possible. You cannot decide to camp out on the side of the road when you need to be moving forward.

I find myself facing some situations where running away would be so easy. (I think by now my vulnerability issues are well known.)

During these tough times, I yell–I mean, pray–to the Lord.

He’s given me permission to be 100% honest with him. His exact words were, “I know your heart anyway, so stop hiding.”

God has seen the angelic side of me and the grumpy side of me. My prayer is that as I follow Him, Angel Audra shows up more and more. (Think halo not being held up by horns.)

Do you know where He takes me at the end of each conversation?

My dreams.

Remember, Audra, where you are going. Don’t settle for anything less than where I am sending you.

All of my tantrums are ruined by God.

I am pouting and angry and God just laughs. And HIs laughter is like a whack from a belt.

Then I remember my dream.

I’m such a hard headed brat……..

When God shows you something don’t let go. Take it and run. Let that hope be an anchor for your soul. Nothing will motivate you more than a glimpse of where God’s taking you.  

And no worries if you find yourself camping out either. God will help you pack back up and keep moving.

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No longer a victim

Sometimes I miss the walls around my heart.

This statement might shock you, but it’s true.

Many years ago, I watched a documentary about Patty Hearst. She was kidnapped at age 19 and a few months later was helping her captors commit crimes.

Seems kind of crazy, right?

Instead of being freed from her captors and returned home, she was thrown in jail. The case led to a long discussion about Stockholm Syndrome, which is when a victim begins to have positive feelings toward his or her captors.

The consensus was that Patty Hearst deserved her punishment, but President Jimmy Carter eventually pardoned her.

This brings me back to the walls around my heart. It’s easier for me to disengage than to risk pain. My dad and stepmom call me out on it all the time.

“Audra, you know what to do. You always have a choice.”

The gap between knowledge and action trips us up all the time.

  • You’re a diabetic who refuses to cut back on dessert.
  • You’re a procrastinator who refuses to turn off the TV or computer.
  • You’re an alcoholic who refuses to leave the party lifestyle.

It’s easier to give in than it is to put up a fight.

The hardest part in my own journey is knowing that personal responsibility still knocks at my door.

IMG_1563If I hide behind walls, I am choosing to hurt someone else.

Even if I didn’t mean to.

Even if I did.

I can’t blame psychology either. Stockholm Syndrome is real, no doubt, but it can’t negate the power of choice.

You and I are not victims anymore.

Those tired, old excuses for poor behavior won’t get us far.

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Surviving an emotional hangover

Have you ever had an emotional hangover?

You share something really personal and the next day you think:

“Why did I do that?!? I should’ve kept my mouth shut.”

I’m a pretty private person, which might seem like a strange statement since I blog every day. We share 200-300 words a day, right? Daily blogging has been a stretching experience for me.

Allowing people into my head space every single day is scary. I’m like a Puritan when it comes to my emotions. If my ankles are showing that’s just too much!

There have been many times I’ve shared with you guys and felt sick to my stomach.

“Did I say too much? What did I just do?”

I only bring this up now because I’m working on a project with my dad and stepmom. You’ll get to hear more about my reconciliation journey. For those who are unfamiliar with my story, this series would be a good one to follow. (And that’s all I’m going to say for now.)

This project will be a BIG stretch for me…

I need to find a nice rock to rent and a stash of brown paper bags.

I realize this post is a bit melodramatic. (Aren’t hyperboles fun?)

No one likes vulnerability, but we all crave it. We’re constantly watching and testing those around us to see if they’re genuine.

And yet, many of us are so scared to share.

Dear friend, I’m right there with you!

Fight the urge to hide, okay?

Hiding helps no one.

Find an outlet to share your gifts and stories with others.

Know that I’m here to help you however I can.

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Balancing Acts

Healthy balances are hard to achieve. 

And isn’t that what we all want? 

Balance. Stability. Some sense of normalcy. 

A balanced diet. 

A balanced social life. 

A balanced budget. 

The magical moment of perfect equilibrium is always on our mind. 

It rarely happens….

I hate to be the one who bursts your bubble. Mine just got busted too. 

Dear Audra, 

Things will rarely be in balance. It’s a nice goal, but quit stressing out. 

Having no balance especially trips me up on bad days and I’ve had some doozies here recently, so you can imagine my frustration. 

I told you we were going to talk more about vulnerability today. 

Ta-da! 

Bad, unbalanced days send me reeling. 

I don’t handle them well. 

In fact, I was tempted to not blog today. 

I refuse, though, to mess up my goal and I refuse to not be honest with you about where I’m at. 

Some days Miss Molly Sunshine goes on holiday and her crazy cousin comes to town. 

I don’t want this blog to be negative, but I do want to be honest. 

You can’t be vulnerable without honesty. 

Things won’t always be perfect. 

People will irritate the snot out of you. 

Life will go on–even if it is a little off kilter.