Character Corner

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Relational poker and icebergs

I would be a terrible professional poker player because my ability to bluff is nonexistent.

Within two hands I would be slap broke.

But emotionally? Now that’s a different story.

You will probably find it hard to believe, but I am a very private person. Yes, me, the girl who is posting a blog every day for an entire year. But, really and truly, it’s only about 300 words a day. That’s not a lot when you think about it.

If you’re familiar with the writings of Ernest Hemingway, you know about the Iceberg theory.

icebergtheoryHe only shows readers the tip of the iceberg while the rest is submerged underwater.

And maybe, if you’re like me, your first thought goes to the Titanic.

It’s dangerous to think that there’s this whole other level to relationships, a part that you can’t see by only hanging out with someone at work or church or school.

Relationships take a lot of time to build. It’s really not that far fetched to think that you have to navigate relationships like the Titanic should have navigated the waters–with caution.

You can’t stay surface level and expect to have deep, meaningful relationships.

I can’t play games of relational poker, always bluffing and keeping my cards close, and expect to find myself surrounded by a community of relationally minded people.

And you can’t either.

At some point we all need to share our stories–the good times and the bad times–because that’s where hope lives, the places where darkness turned to light.

Not everyone is like the person(s) who hurt you so deeply. Give others a chance to prove that to you.

No more poker face, okay?

You and I can’t exist outside of a community, so let people in.

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Character friction

Coming face to face  with your character flaws stinks, especially when someone is giving you a compliment.

In the last few weeks, I have been praised for my patience and self-discipline…

I wish that it were true.

I wish that I could easily accept the compliment.

But all I see are the many, many times that I lose my temper or decide to eat a doughnut when I need to eat a salad.

What are you supposed to do with that information?

It challenges me.

On the one hand, I appreciate the positive affirmation. Truly I do. People pay attention when you’re headed down the right path.

On the other hand, I know there’s still a lot of road ahead of me. I have not arrived.

This friction is natural. The rub is real. (I can go on and on with friction clichés, but I’ll stop now. You’re welcome.)

In life, this struggle is the ultimate checks and balances system.

Remember several posts ago when I talked about the voices that scream out your flaws?

They are constantly reminding you of all the reasons you’ll never measure up.

But agreeing with their cries will not help you. Trust me. I spent many years covering my ears and running for cover.

That’s no way to live.

Knowing your areas of strengths and weaknesses is important.

You can’t be too boastful about your strengths or too ashamed about your weaknesses.

Stay focused on where you are headed in life. Keep moving in that direction.

Work on your strengths and weaknesses accordingly.

Maybe this isn’t a struggle for you.

Maybe you’re thinking, “Duh, Audra, everyone knows that!”

But I can get stuck in the rut of introspection and miss out on the fun of the journey.

I want to loosen up a little and have some fun. Want to join me?

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Must Read: Who You Are

 Who You Are by John Croyle is one of my favorite books.
I bought it in February and I have read it three times this year!
If you are not familiar with John Croyle, he used to play football for the University of Alabama (UA).  His son, Brodie, also played at UA and then played six years of professional football.
But, most people don’t know John Croyle from his football years. They know him as the director of the Big Oak Ranch, which is a home for abandoned, abused, and neglected children.

I’ll put a link to their website at the bottom of this post. 

Who You Are is a book about not letting your past define you. Mr. John draws from his 40 years of experience with at-risk kids who have defied the odds and found hope because of Big Oak Ranch.

I highly recommend this book to those who need a fresh reminder that a bright future is available to anyone who wants one. No one is beyond hope.

This book has encouraged me to keep walking down the road toward my own bright future.  I think it can help you on your journey as well.

Big Oak Ranch website:

http://www.bigoak.org

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Helping with a willing heart

I talk on the phone a lot at work. It’s not my most favorite thing to do, but it’s a big part of my job description.

I work as an office manager for a self-storage and property management company, so most of my calls are about rates and hours and such. Sometimes people call me to ask for recommendations for moving companies or even for other storage companies in the area.

I have actually learned quite a bit by helping these people.

It wasn’t until today, though, that I realized they were not doing any research before calling me–not even a quick Google search.

My first response was annoyance. What a waste of my time!

But, as I’ve sat down and thought about it, what does it hurt for me to help them?

Absolutely nothing.

In fact, as I mentioned earlier, helping them is really helping me.

Sure, they are most likely not going to use my business. And that’s okay! We are not suffering.

I added three new customers last week. Our numbers are very consistent even in the slow times.

Every industry on this planet is in the people business. Ignoring customer service is not an option.

Without people, all of the widgets we make and the services we offer are completely useless.

And yet we treat others like they are only distractions from our to-do list or merely rungs to the top of the corporate ladder.

I am convicted by my annoyance.

Who do I think I am?

Who do any of us think we are?

If you have no room in your schedule to help others–even if they do nothing to help you in return–you need to do some serious reevaluation of how you spend your time.

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My mirror laughs at all my jokes

I simply can’t look at myself in a mirror without making funny faces. 

And, this might seem a little strange, but I often find myself laughing at the funny faces I make. But then again, I often laugh at my own jokes. (Why would you tell a joke that you, yourself, wouldn’t laugh at?)

I’ll explain more about this odd introduction a bit later….

Silly face!

Silly face!

Mirrors are a lot like guns, money, and social status. They are not evil in and of themselves.

 When you stand in front of a mirror, it’s not saying or implying anything.

All of those critical voices you hear as you stand in front of a mirror?

Wow, you’re looking pudgy!

Look at those wrinkles!

Did you get dressed in the dark?

Your sister, brother, mother’s cousin’s boyfriend looks better than you.

Yeah. The mirror is not saying those things. (And, if it is, run!!!!)

The voices we’re hearing sound a lot like ourselves or the critical people in our lives.

It’s true. The mirror is not our enemy.

We need to stop hating the mirror and start dealing with the real monster: Our self-perception.

Which brings me to why I make funny faces…..

It’s because I like who I am as a person and I’m not going to let negative chatter slow me down anymore. I get that there are some flaws, but guess what? That’s a part of life.

If you blame the mirror–or someone else–for your faulty perception nothing will change. Then you’ll just be angry and bitter, which will only make it worse.

Changing how you think about yourself? Now that changes everything.

So, next time you’re in front of a mirror and the voices start screaming, make a funny face and tell them to buzz off, okay?

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My brain fell out of my open mind

I think that our culture has forgotten what it means to be open-minded.

Here’s my definition of open-mindedness:

I know what I believe, but I am willing to hear your thoughts. My belief system will not be shattered if we happen to disagree.

Scroll through your newsfeed or listen to talk radio. That’s not what’s happening.

We’re so “open-minded” that we can’t imagine anyone else’s open mind being offended.

Healthy debate is being replaced by political correctness.

Here is our society’s filter when making decisions today:

What if they become angry? What if they cry themselves to sleep every night? What if they’re upset, eat 12 pints of Ben and Jerry’s, and become fat? How can we make sure that everyone is happy?

Look, I went to counseling for a year. My counselor told me that trying to make others happy will only lead to my misery.

Happiness is a choice we all have to make for ourselves.

I’m tired of this politically correct world we live in. It’s exhausting.

No wonder it’s easier to maintain shallow friendships via social media than it is to hang out in real time.

Most people live in a constant state of offense.

You can’t talk about anything but the weather, cat memes, and Candy Crush. 

We’re so afraid to hurt each others feelings that it’s just easier to not talk about the hard things.

Our “open-minded” society, I’m afraid, is lonely. We desire connection, but can’t handle what it means.

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The suspenseful side of grace

I have a love/hate relationship with suspense movies.

suspense 1

I’m ready to face the ideas in this post.

I love the plot twists, action scenes (cue bomb!) and creativity involved.

I hate the scenes where you are clutching the popcorn bowl, screaming at the TV.

Don’t do it! It’s a trick!!!!! (Big swig of coke) The bad guy’s right behind you!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then it goes into a wicked awesome fight scene and I fall in love all over again.

Watching a friend make a poor decision is a lot like watching a suspense movie.

You know it’s a bad idea, but your friend? He or she is totally clueless.

Or, worst case scenario, your friend willingly makes a bad decision.

But, let’s assume that your friend isn’t willingly making bad decisions because most of us don’t go into a situation thinking:

How can I really screw this up?

At least, I don’t anyway…

Your decisions are scaring me!

Your decisions are scaring me!

Somehow, though, we have the worst thoughts about our friends and family when they mess up.

My grace is always on vacation when this happens.

Until, of course, I mess up.

I can then give you a million and one reasons that I made a mistake:

I didn’t mean to say that, okay?

I had to make a snap decision.

I thought bangs would look good on me. (Let’s take a moment to mourn all the bad haircuts in our life. Okay, I feel better.)

Can’t you see that I need a little grace?!? Seriously.

Put yourself in your friend’s shoes. (Unless they don’t fit and then metaphorical shoe wearing will do.)

If you would want someone to extend you grace, then that means your friend wants grace too.

It’s a lot easier to be the one on the couch, clutching the bowl of popcorn, screaming your head off.

It’s a lot harder being the one walking around the corner in a poorly lit hallway.

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Breaking News: Workers go on strike at the Excuse Factory

 Forgot an appointment? To pay a bill? A birthday?

Mess up on the job? At home?

Mean to your husband? Wife? Kid? Friend?

It wasn’t really your fault….no, no, no!

Just make an excuse and get out of it.

Need a few good ones?

  1. My computer crashed.
  2. I didn’t see your voicemail.
  3. Your email was in my junk mail.
  4. I forgot about our plans.
  5.  The zombies made me do it (which is better than “The dog ate my homework.”)

All of these–minus the last one–are valid reasons for not doing something, but let’s be honest:

We’ve all used good, valid reasons to excuse poor, inexcusable behavior.

strike 1Accepting responsibility is taboo. No one likes to be wrong or admit their mistakes. I get it. I don’t like to be wrong or admit my mistakes.

Owning up to our shortcomings is on the list with filing taxes and going to the dentist.

strike 2

Guess what?

If I don’t file my taxes, the IRS won’t pet my head and say, “No problem, Ms. Kennedy, we understand that this isn’t fun for you. Don’t worry about it, okay?”

If I don’t go to the dentist, my teeth will fall out and I’ll look like all the rednecks on the news….(this is why I choose to go to the dentist, btw. I have an irrational fear of being a stereotypical redneck.)

Shut down the excuse factory. Tell the truth. Face the consequences. And then move on.

You’ll never learn and grow from your shortcomings if you don’t admit you have them.

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Dare to be seen

Saying something out loud helps me release the thoughts bouncing  around my head like caged monkeys.
This is not easy, especially for a professional emotions stuffer like myself.

Letting the cat out of the bag means you can’t put it back in–and that’s scary.

Here’s what’s scarier: Being invisible, a bench warmer, an old lady or old man filled with regret over things not spoken and dreams left to die.

Never talking, never being seen or known is a crummy option that stunts personal growth.

Here’s a question to think about:

What would happen if you talked to that friend or relative? If you dusted off that dream?

Dare to speak, to show up.

I’m right beside you in this one, okay? We can do this together.

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Becoming friends with failure

My relationship with gravity is a bit tricky….

Cracks in the sidewalks? They are my enemy. I’m pretty sure they snicker every time I trip. Dancing in front of people? Not gonna happen. I will not be on Dancing with the Stars anytime soon.

I always look around if I fall or spill my drink or knock the entire contents of my purse onto the floor.

It’s embarrassing. No one else is that clumsy, right? No one else falls or makes mistakes or….

How ridiculous does this sound? Of course other people make mistakes! Of course they trip and fall on their behinds.

Me dancing like no one's watching (even though everyone was watching).

Me dancing like no one’s watching (even though everyone was watching).

So why spend so much time running away from failure?

For me, it’s because I don’t want to look like an idiot. I’m not the biggest fan of taking risks and it’s a lot easier to blend in. I want to stay safe and comfortable.

Safety and comfort are bad friends. They tell a lot of lies.

Yes, yes. That’s way too hard for you. Just stay back here and watch so-and-so. They are a lot better at it than you anyway.

Failing at something doesn’t make you a failure.

Scientists don’t cry because their experiment didn’t work out the first time. They just say, “Uh. That didn’t work out. Okay. Let’s try it again, but tweak this and that.”

Athletes don’t freak out when they miss a goal. Sure, they may be disappointed, but they just work harder to make the next shot.

We all fail. We all make mistakes. You’re not alone, okay?

Don’t let the fear of failure stop you from trying new and exciting things.

Here’s what many people won’t tell you:

Success has a little brother. His name is Failure. They actually have a great relationship. And you can’t be friends with one without being friends with the other.