Friendship

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Halfway there

I just hit the 6 month mark of daily blogging. 

Hard to believe all that can take place in 6 months….

Thanks for going on this journey with me. 

I told you when I started that a blog is pretty much a journal if no one reads it. 

You guys have encouraged me so much and I can’t wait to see what the next 6 months holds. 

I move to Tulsa on Friday. It’s cool to think about documenting my time at Rhema. There’s a lot to take in and sharing it with you will make the experience much richer. 

Once again, thanks for your love and support. 

This goal that seemed impossible 6 months ago is now halfway over. 

I’m learning that most limitations are self-imposed. 

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Time for friends 

I had a great day with my friends. We were finally able to get together and hang out. 

My friend Andrea from Marion and my friend Sam from Birmingham met up with me this afternoon at the Galleria. 

We ate lunch at California Pizza Kitchen, got a coffee at Starbucks, and shopped at Old Navy. 

It was so cool to be together because two different aspects of my life are now connected. 

Andrea and Sam have been friends since college and I have been friends with Andrea since she became the librarian at Judson. 

Sam and I met this past January when I started learning sign language. 

I really enjoyed myself today. Hang out times with friends don’t happen as much as I’d like. 

Another goal for 2016 is to schedule more time for important relationships. 

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An outstretched hand

There’s nothing wrong with being weak sometimes. We all need help. 

The Bible talks about how God is our strength when we are weak. 

The Bible also talks about bearing one another’s burdens and helping each other carry them to the Lord. 

I’m not the best at allowing others to see me down. We’ve talked about this many times, but here’s something new I’m learning:

An element of building trust in a relationship is to ask for help.  

Do you know that it’s hard for others to trust you when you won’t ask for help?

Dr. Brene Brown talks about this in her lecture on The Anatomy of Trust (It’s a free class she offers at  courageworks.com). 

Slap away an extended hand too many times and you’ll find yourself all alone. 

One of my goals in 2016 is to get better at asking for and accepting help. 

I know that the Lone Ranger mentality is glorified in western culture, but it’s a myth. 

You can’t go it alone. 

 

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Open doors

I know we all want to have conversations about more than the weather, celebrity gossip, and sports.

Deeper.

More meaningful.

Heart matters.

All of these phrases are used to describe the genuine, intimate relationships we desire with our friends and family.

I have some bad news though….

Small talk about the “trivial” things of life leads to open doors into the lives of others.

I’m speaking from experience–and if that doesn’t convince you then I’ll appeal to your reasoning.

Small talk helps you gain trust with others.

Trust comes with time.

Trust comes in small moments (or conversations).

Because there’s nothing worse than sharing something with an untrustworthy person.

Trust is like the roller coaster ride where you shoot straight up into the air and then the ride stops at the tip-top. You don’t know when it going to drop…..and then it does!

Whoosh!

As you drop back down, your stomach comes up into your throat.

The experience splits in two at this point:

  1. You get off the ride feeling a bit dizzy, but you’re still standing.
  2. You get off the ride and immediately hurl everywhere.

(You’re smart enough to see which situation involves a trustworthy and untrustworthy person.)

And this is the best illustration I have about trust, which leads me back to conversations.

Don’t give up on small talk. It’s a crucial part of seeing who is trustworthy and who is not.

I look at small talk as the opportunity to spot open doors.

Get to know someone, build up trust via small talk, and they will open the door for you to talk with them about the things that matter.

Don’t forget your manners either.

Busting the door down means you might not get another invitation.

Why don’t you try knocking first?

 

 

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Fences versus Prisons

“I’m cool with whatever. You decide.”

My friend looked at me with gracious (and patient) eyes as I sidestepped her question.

“I wish you’d tell me what you’re really thinking.”

The comment took me aback.

I am terrible at telling people what’s really going on inside of my head.

Never giving your input isn’t the ultimate form of humility and self-sacrifice.

You’re really hiding by slamming the door of trust and connection in someone’s face.

And you’re driving the people you love crazy.

I don’t care.

It doesn’t matter to me.

If that’s what you want to do.

We say these things, but deep down we do care and it does matter and you have wants.

It’s impossible to not care about everything.

(Can all of the exasperated people on the receiving end of these comments say, “Amen!“?)

I’m the world’s worst person at being an overly passive, peace loving person….

This is a real struggle for me.

My (un)natural tendency is to keep things buried deep down inside.

Another friend recently told me that standoffish nature in college held me back in many ways–and it’s true.

I kept people at arm’s length.

She expressed her thankfulness when I became a more open person. The change opened a lot of doors of opportunity that remained shut in years past.

Let me be very clear:

We all need to have boundaries and to guard our hearts. Prison bars and barbed wire fences, though, are a bit much.

Now, I’m building a nice fence that looks less like a maximum security prison and more like a simple property marker.

My challenge to you is to honestly answer the next question asked of you.

Can I get your opinion?

What do you prefer?

Is this something you want to do?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The thing about advice

Beware of “If it was me” statements. 

You know the ones I’m talking about…

  • If it was me, I wouldn’t go there. 
  • If it was me, I wouldn’t do this or that. 
  • If it was me, he/she wouldn’t have gotten away with that behavior. 

I am bad about making these blanket, hypothetical statements. 

There’s nothing wrong with different temperaments and personalities. Being different is not the enemy. 

On the other hand, doing stupid, sinful things is a problem and I’m not condoning bad behavior. 

Not everyone, though, is asking for my advice and not everyone cares what I think. 

Sharing these kinds of thoughts in conversation with others can quickly morph into gossip and criticism sessions as well. 

Just be careful with your words. 

I can’t stress this topic enough because it’s of utmost importance. 

Being rude and tactless is not an effective tool for anyone who wants to have a place of influence in another’s life. 

I’ve also seen these rash, unfiltered comments slam shut the door of the gospel. 

Every word counts, every word is powerful, and every word either builds or destroys. 

Think about that the next time your mouth gets away from you. 

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Shortcuts and Backroads

  Who doesn’t like a shortcut?

Winding country roads, jaunts through neighborhoods, an alleyway….

The GPS gives us the fastest route first. Our friends know all the best back ways. 

Shaving off travel time is important, but you can’t take shortcuts in relationships. 

A lot of people think that the restoration journey between my dad and I took place overnight. 

Let me be the first to answer that assumption with a hearty no. 

It’s been 5 years and counting. Yes, we’ve come a long way, but we still have quite the journey in front of us. 

I encourage you to be intentional in your relationships. Good relationships don’t just happen by chance. They take work. 

This is probably not news to most of you, but knowing something and still choosing the romantized version is the norm. 

In today’s world of social media friends, it’s easy to forget that you actually have to hang out with your friend offline in order for  that person to be a real friend. 

I’m not dissing the use of social media to keep up with friends and family that live far away either. 

Many people, though, only have online friends–far away or otherwise. 

There are no shortcuts to meaningful relationships. You have to put miles on your tires and wear out some shoe leather. 

You won’t regret the extra miles. 

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Heart language matters

I saw the importance of communication today.

For many years, Mr. and Mrs. Lee have rented a storage unit whenever they move.

Mrs. Lee is deaf.

I remember the first time I met them, which was the first month I started working at Storage Depot (before I started learning sign language). My boss had to write back and forth with Mrs. Lee about pricing and unit sizes.

heart languageFast forward to now, 11 months into my learning sign language. I was able to interpret for Mrs. Lee and she came to life! She talked and talked! It was so cool to see the power of communication in action.

Knowing someone’s heart language is important, especially when you’re on the mission field.

Each of us was born with an innate desire to be known and understood. Language barriers are the biggest deterrents to connection.

I’ve received a TON of help from the deaf community because week after week I show up and try. Even when I completely mess up, my friends kindly and gently encourage me and teach me the right way. Who could guess that my bumbling efforts would be so well received? I certainly didn’t expect it!

For many of my deaf friends, though, their own parents never made an effort to learn sign language. One of my friend’s mom started learning sign once my friend was grown. As my friend shared the story with me, there were tears in her eyes.

“This is what I’ve always wanted.”

Heart language matters. If you want to make an impact learn a culture’s heart language.

And this is true of any culture–not just deaf culture.

So, for all of my friends who feel drawn to a certain country or culture, take this advice from someone who has seen the difference: Language is key.

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The opportunities in your reality

Did you ever watch The Brady Bunch movie?

It was a spoof from the ’90s that was not that great, but made me laugh nonetheless. In it, Mike Brady gave Bobby some great advice:

“Wherever you go, there you are.”

I’ve seen this “advice” plastered all over novelty items. (I also googled the saying and found out it’s the title of a meditation book. Go figure.) What a goofy thing to say, right? We all know that…..or do we?

Recently, I was part of a conversation where a friend said, “Do you know what I could be doing?” and then went on for about 10 minutes about a job he could have.

I told this friend,  “You’re right and I agree. But here you are, so what are you going to do?”

There’s nothing wrong with dreaming or wanting to better yourself. Just remember that improvement starts right where you are. The weaknesses we possess do not magically disappear with a new opportunity.

The more I listened to my friend, the more I understood that the root of the problem was not feeling appreciated. Maybe an elevated position, a better job would do the trick. These people would appreciate me. These people see my true potential.

Once again, there’s truth in these thoughts. There’s nothing wrong with getting praised and honored for good work. Just be careful that praise and accolades aren’t the primary motivators. Applause is momentary–and it’s fickle too.

Motivation really is everything.

What are you looking to gain from an opportunity?

Be honest.

Answering this one question will show you the motivations of your heart.

Like I said earlier, the messy parts of ourselves–the things we want to leave behind–won’t disappear. You can’t just move on and not leave the new address.

Look around. There’s a lot to learn, a lot to do right, where you are now. Don’t be afraid to dream, but don’t ignore the opportunities in your current reality either.

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Unity is better

There are 7 billion people on this planet and no one is just alike.

This should be as common knowledge as the fact we all need oxygen to breathe. And yet, the way we talk about differences online makes it sound like scientists just figured it out.

Fighting over differences makes no sense when you understand that humans are created for relationship.

God said to Adam, “It is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18).

The church is called a body and we are to work together for the growth of the kingdom by spreading the gospel.

unityAll of these things point to relationships, so why are we struggling?

I could list a million reasons, but the crux of it all comes down to the issue of unity. We have forgotten what connects us all.

In the absence of this knowledge, division is rampant. It’s blinding and leads to disconnection.

Looking back to Genesis, this is what connects us: All humans are created in God’s image (Genesis 1:26-27)

I do not believe “all ways lead to Heaven” and “we’re all God’s children”.

There is only one way to Heaven (Jesus) and while we are all created in the image of God, only those who accept the one way (once again, Jesus) become children of God.

Here’s what makes the gospel so powerful: Jesus came to redeem all humanity. No one is left out. We can all have a relationship with God the Father through Jesus Christ.

In all of our wonderful, God given differences, may we never forget what unites us: We are the most precious of God’s creation.

Everything God did in Genesis 1 and 2 was done for man and woman. Provision and shelter, safety and rest, family and friendship all started in the Garden of Eden.

Even when we messed up, God’s redemptive plan was to give it all back.

Let’s agree to unite around the gospel.

Let’s agree to unite around the fact that people are important.

Differences are wonderful, but unity is even better.