Family

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A little back story required

You may already know this, but I met my dad for the first time five years ago. I don’t talk about it much here because I write exclusively about it on my family’s website (link below).

I spent the summer after my junior year of college in British Colombia, Canada so I could get to know my newfound family better.

It was a wild ride, for sure.

My feelings were all over the map and I didn’t know if I had made the right decision by agreeing to come for the summer or even by agreeing to give my dad a chance.

Latest family photo by our friend Derek Crosby of Greater Image Photography

Latest family photo by our friend Derek Crosby of Greater Image Photography

It was my first time to get a passport, to fly, to leave the country, to meet my stepmom and siblings.

So many firsts…..

And I was already feeling like a social pariah.

It’s not like you can explain away how you are the daughter no one knew about.

“I’m a really nice person—not an axe murderer or a tax evader. Seriously, I was just as surprised as you are when I found out the whole story. None of this is my fault.”

See how much I ramble when I’m nervous?

Well, the summer went okay. There were some bumps along the way, but it was a good start to our adventure towards restoration. It was a summer of wrapping our thinking around this new reality.

I’m sharing all of this to give you the back story of my new logo.

My next post will explain the dream that helped our family cope throughout this crazy time. (And, no, it was not a dream caused by licking the caps of poisonous mushrooms.)

You’ll understand more tomorrow.

Until then, check out my family’s website: http://www.thehollimans.com/

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Relational poker and icebergs

I would be a terrible professional poker player because my ability to bluff is nonexistent.

Within two hands I would be slap broke.

But emotionally? Now that’s a different story.

You will probably find it hard to believe, but I am a very private person. Yes, me, the girl who is posting a blog every day for an entire year. But, really and truly, it’s only about 300 words a day. That’s not a lot when you think about it.

If you’re familiar with the writings of Ernest Hemingway, you know about the Iceberg theory.

icebergtheoryHe only shows readers the tip of the iceberg while the rest is submerged underwater.

And maybe, if you’re like me, your first thought goes to the Titanic.

It’s dangerous to think that there’s this whole other level to relationships, a part that you can’t see by only hanging out with someone at work or church or school.

Relationships take a lot of time to build. It’s really not that far fetched to think that you have to navigate relationships like the Titanic should have navigated the waters–with caution.

You can’t stay surface level and expect to have deep, meaningful relationships.

I can’t play games of relational poker, always bluffing and keeping my cards close, and expect to find myself surrounded by a community of relationally minded people.

And you can’t either.

At some point we all need to share our stories–the good times and the bad times–because that’s where hope lives, the places where darkness turned to light.

Not everyone is like the person(s) who hurt you so deeply. Give others a chance to prove that to you.

No more poker face, okay?

You and I can’t exist outside of a community, so let people in.

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God’s love is for you

The monster I had to fight with every night was rejection.

I was the poster child for good kids everywhere, but something was still missing. The praise of my family and friends never satisfied me–though I wanted their praise to keep coming.

The two people I wanted acceptance from had ditched me a long time ago. That’s who I was trying please.

See, Mom and Dad, I’m worth something. I’m not a mistake. You were wrong about me.

Rejection would growl:

Stay on the ground, Audra. You can’t win this one. No one will ever accept you.

I believed him too.

For a long time, I even let this monster keep me from experiencing God’s love.

God's loveOh, I knew about God’s love, but it couldn’t be for me. This was my logic: If your parents–who are supposed to model the love of God–reject you, that must mean that God can’t love you.

It wasn’t until my 20s that I truly surrendered all of my heart to God. He came to me in the most tender way, whispering in my ear that His acceptance and love didn’t have anything to do with where I started from.

Today, during a time of prayer, I was overwhelmed with gratitude while remembering where God found me–in a man-made pit of despair–and how He lovingly pulled me out of it.

And God wants to do the same for you, friend.

Don’t listen to the monsters from your past. They are lying to you! I promise.

The love of God is not far from you. It’s as close as your next breath.

What’s holding you back from truly receiving it?

Shoot me an email if you want to talk about this some more.

audragkennedy@gmail.com

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Sunday Funday!

This Sunday was very busy. I helped my aunt with an organizational project. We’re nowhere close to done, but I’m proud of what we accomplished.

Plus, it was really nice to visit with her and my cousins. Baby Illyana even came over (my cousin’s little girl) and I got some pictures with her.

  
My weekend was pretty good overall. Not super restful but it reminds me of a verse from an old hymn:

In our joys and in our sorrows,

Days of toil and hours of ease,

Still He calls, in cares and pleasures,

“Christian, love me more than these.”

We all have seasons of busyness and seasons of rest. Both are necessary and both require us to trust the Lord.

What did you do this weekend? Leave me a comment below.

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Kid superhero to the rescue!

I need to apologize in advance…yesterday I floated an idea for us to discuss and I discovered today that it’s not quite time to bring it up.

Without going into all the details, I found myself swimming–drowning, I mean–in thought.

That’s part of this journey, right? Learning how and when to give your thoughts words.

Guess who came to my rescue this morning? My little brother. He pulled me out of my “brain’s going too fast” mode.

His method? Playtime.

Caleb is my hero today.

Funny how kids always know when we need to be rescued from ourselves.

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More Birthday Fun!

This post is up…but a bit late. Like, technically not today late…sorry about that. I was still partying like it was my birthday.

Here’s a few pictures of my shenanigans:

 It’s a birthday box head bird! Ah!!!
 Birthday muffins to celebrate the big 25.
 Meet Mr. Carrot. He was a gift from Savanna and Selah. Caleb gave me the spiffy green cumberbun.
 Dad and Mama Ce got me a Batman shirt and a pack of cool Batman socks. I’m in love…

It’s late, friends. Let’s talk again tomorrow.

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The Power of a Meal

  Today was a family day. Our whole family was together for a birthday bash in honor of my Nana. 

Of course, food was a big part of the celebration. 

The table was spread with yummy food and all the trimmings. 

It’s fun to sit around the table and chat about all the important things going on in our lives. 

What I find most amazing is how valuing each other’s differences only adds to the unity of a family. At least, that’s how it’s supposed to be. 

Putting all the giftings together enables the family to have a greater impact in the world. 

A great place to take notice of these things is around the dinner table. 

Food is–and always will be–the most powerful ally in the quest for unity. 

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The Ultimate Tragedy

I had the opportunity to pre-screen The Song. It was such a great movie! 

Imagine a love story by Nicholas Cage–minus the death–and the life of King Solomon modernized. The movie was real, messy even, and yet moving.

Here’s what I took away:

For years, I wondered what would’ve made me enough for my parents to stay. My dad was not in the picture. My mom chose men and addictions over her children. These memories have left a deep impression.

I daily have to stop myself from going back to those times, to adding disappointment to everything now. This calculated disappointment is crippling. Imagine going from color to black and white. The fuzzy, hazy hue distorts any goodness.

The same thing happened to Jed (the main character of The Song). His life fluctuated between seasons of hardship and overwhelming goodness. All along, he couldn’t see the beauty of his marriage to Rose or the joy in his son’s eyes. Even when his dreams came true it was never enough.

I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that I’ve missed it.

How sad would that be?

The goodness and bounty of God’s love squandered because of past hurts. Never letting myself heal and experience God’s best for my life.

That’s the ultimate tragedy.

Worse than a bad childhood. Worse than a dead end career. Worse than never having a family of your own.

All of those things pale in comparison to not recognizing the goodness around you.  

I’m tired of missing it.

I’m ready to let the winds of change, the breath of God Himself, carry me farther than I ever dreamed.

Question: What’s holding you back from experiencing God’s best for you?

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Thankful for Snow

It snowed!

And there’s still piles of it on the ground.

This is a new experience for a small town Southern girl.

Life has continued as usual. School is still in session and businesses are still open. I’ve seen the snowplow riding through our neighborhood every day. Winter is officially here. I cannot leave my house without a heavy winter coat and gloves.

The other day, I shovelled snow for the first time in my life!

It’s a lot harder than it looks in the movies. My dad told me that shovelling snow is the leading cause of heart attacks for older people in the North. I can believe it. That was a hard job.

Hopefully, you’re not too bored with this conversation. I’m just so excited about the possibility of a white Christmas. That will be a first for me. And maybe a last. Who knows? I won’t live in this region forever.

If I’ve learned anything while living in the Pacific Northwest, it’s been that life is something to be enjoyed, treasured even.

Every day is such a gift and somewhere along the way I had forgotten. I needed to be reminded.

If I can’t get excited about the weather—hot or cold—how can I appreciate my family, my job, or my hobbies? It’s likely that I won’t recognize those blessings if I can’t get excited about the little things.

A picture from my sister, a penny on the sidewalk, a compliment from a friend…these are the small things that can potentially produce thankful thoughts.

A grateful attitude, I’m convinced, is more important than a college degree, job status, or the clothes you wear.

Those who are content have more opportunities and lead more fulfilling lives.

The power of contentment requires no complex formulas to understand. It only requires a choice.

Will I be thankful or will I be unthankful for the blessings around me?

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I’m Weird, You’re Weird

A lot of people claim to be OCD.

It’s actually quite comical to hear someone say “I’m so OCD” and then take a walk through their house…yeah, you’re not OCD if there’s mold that just told me that the bathroom’s to the left…

We all have idiosyncrasies. Even the most relaxed, chill-tastic people I know have one or two things that make them…unique…for lack of a better word.

Maybe you like to arrive everywhere super early.

Maybe you like to squirt ketchup on all your food.

Maybe you have to spin around in a circle three times before entering or exiting a room.

 The idiosyncrasy scale ranges from “Wow, you need to get a life!” to “Wow, you make the ranting homeless guy look normal!”

Hopefully—this is what I believe anyway—most of us fall somewhere in the middle.

I’m at this place in life where I recognize that my idiosyncrasies are just that: Mine.

The other day it was pointed out to me that I use the phrase “I have this thing about…” a lot. That one comment made me stop and think.

 My weirdnesses are my responsibility.

It’s not fair for me to use them as a shield to get out of my obligations or as an excuse for poor behavior.

And guess what?

Your weirdnesses are not my responsibility.

I’m all for free expression and “being who you are.” Just do so in a considerate and respectful manner.

The biggest lie told today is that our differences outweigh our similarities. Here’s the truth: Our similarities outweigh our differences.

That being said, I don’t want my weirdness to morph into selfishness. And that’s really easy to do.