Character Corner

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Embrace Quiet Times

It’s a rainy day in the Pacific Northwest. I’m enjoying the peace and quiet upstairs. There’s nothing big planned for the afternoon and no one is coming over for dinner. I’d call this a perfect moment, a time of reflection that isn’t taking place in distress or chaos.

These times are the best for making decisions and casting vision for the future.

I’m not bashing in-the-moment choices because these are necessary too. However, there’s something special about the quiet moments that occur before big life events.

For example, I now live in a subtropic region. Come late September the weather will be easy to predict. It’s going to be cold, wet, and overcast until late May or early June. That’s why this summer has been so busy for me. Some things have to be done while it’s sunny, so priorities shift during the brief summer months.

And it’s another reason why this rainy day was needed.

I’ve been living at such a fast pace trying to accomplish my summer to-do list that it’s taken a rainy day to finally slow me down. One thing I’ve learned recently is that there’s no point in whining about the snail paced times of your life.

Human beings live in a constant state of transition. You’re either coming out of a time of transition or you’re entering one.

It’s that simple.

The only people who do not live by this model can be found in the cemetery.

Why not take the seemingly “boring” times of minimal change to plan?

Quiet moments don’t come around very often. Try making some decisions when the world isn’t moving like a race car in the Indy 500.

Things look a lot different when they aren’t blurring all around you.

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Planning Vs. Living

It’s easy to look ahead—way ahead—and make plans. And there’s nothing wrong with plans. But all plans are subject to change at a minute’s notice. I cannot concretely tell you what I will be doing tomorrow or even an hour from now.

Some things are simply out of my control.

 That’s hard for me to accept. I want to perfectly map out my day, my week, my life.

I constantly have to say, “STOP! I don’t have to have everything figured out today!” That usually keeps my brain from exploding.

Here’s another thing that’s helped: I take a good look around me. I play a game with my siblings. We laugh and have a great time. I splash around in the pool with them and realize that they’re growing up before my eyes.

How much have I missed being so worried about tomorrow? Or today? Or next weekend?

 Because the truth is that I could drop dead at any moment. I know it’s a sobering and somewhat depressing realization, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

Now don’t go pitch your calendar and watch out the window. Don’t stop making plans. Just take a minute to ask yourself a few questions.

Are you glad to be alive today? 

Are your kids or grandkids or siblings growing up unnoticed?

Do you spend more time planning your life than actually living it?  

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The Problem With Might Nots

Next weekend I am moving up to the Washington State area to live closer to my dad and family up that way. These last several months have been rather surreal because it’s hard to believe that this move is actually happening.

Now it’s here and I’m so excited! There are still a lot of variables, but I’ve done all the research that I possibly can.

All that’s left is to move.

Our lives are in a constant state of transition. Learning and growing, opportunities arising, new horizons to be explored—these are normal, commonplace occurrences—are at least they should be.

Maybe you stopped reading this a few seconds ago because you think I’m a young, naïve daydreamer. You might be right. But I can’t stop moving forward because I might fail.

So many people are paralyzed by the words “might not.”

I might not get the job. I might not get married. I might not have any friends….The possibility of all your “might nots” coming true are slim to none.

Notice what I said: Of all your might nots. I didn’t say that there wouldn’t be a time that failure wouldn’t come.

But that doesn’t mean that you take up residence in a plastic bubble and stop trying.

I’m tired of being paralyzed by what “might not” happen. The only time I am guaranteed to fail is if I take no action.

Life is full of change. It can be scary at times. There are challenges and risks involved.

However, I’ve yet to meet someone who didn’t believe that the challenges and risks weren’t worth the rewards. The rewards outweighed the risks every single time.

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Circle of Counsel

I have found a downside to being young. It’s the invincibility complex. Do you remember when I hurt my knee? That was the result of feeling invincible. And you see how well that worked out for me.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to punch fear in the face and conquer the world. I think everyone should live with that attitude.

But like most things in life there’s a fine line between confidence and stupidity.

And in a lot of ways I wouldn’t even call it stupidity.

It’s actually an unwillingness to heed sound advice.

My dad would call that not being teachable. I am not saying to only try something when you’re perfect at it.

Who has ever benefited from that busted philosophy?

Not being teachable is an attitude of stubborn rebellion against those who not only are trying to help you but also those who are trying to teach you how to do something the right way.

If you’re familiar with the book of Proverbs, an ancient wisdom book found in the Bible, a lot of proverbs talk about the wisdom of sound counsel from a multitude of people.

More often than not, I fail when I refuse to heed the advice given by those in my circle of counsel.

Here’s my list of those in my circle: My parents, my grandparents, and a few close friends. I can always trust their advice and I always seek it out before making a big decision.

Who’s in your circle of counsel?

Choose wisely.

Put the right people in that circle and you’re bound to be successful.

But if that’s the case then the wrong people will point you down a path of destruction.

It matters who your friends are and whose advice you’re following.

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Who’s Watching You?

I’m getting a baby brother in September! Isn’t that awesome?

My day gets a little brighter each time I think of this precious, perfect little person who is a part of my family. Every human life is important and full of potential. There’s just something about babies though. Can you think of anything more innocent than a baby? Untouched by the evils of the world, seeing only opportunity, full of trust—babies are the purest of vessels.

I’m sounding like the narrator of a documentary…moving on.

So I’m getting a new baby brother and it has me thinking: What role do I play in his life? Because I don’t believe that the normal, stereotypical roles of big and little siblings are okay.

There’s a big age difference between us—twenty-three years—but that doesn’t matter. We can still have a good relationship.

In an attempt to mimic self-help gurus, I’ve come up with an acronym of sibling to describe the role I hope to play in my little brother’s life (don’t all barf at once):

Supportive at all times
Interested in his life and hobbies
Believer in his dreams
Loving through the good and bad
Invested in his future
Nonstop encourager
Gracious to forgive his mistakes

Maybe you’re an awesome role model and need few reminders to stay on track. But I find myself needing to be reminded of all the little eyes who are watching me. It’s often the people in our inner circles who suffer the most when we struggle.

This conversation is not meant to be a reprimand but an encouragement.

Think about where you’re falling short and make some improvements. Think about where you’re excelling and take notes.  Because someone is following in your footsteps.

My question for you today is simple.

Who’s watching you?

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Hard Truths

I’m a bit disappointed right now. Someone I love very dearly is suffering the consequences of poor decision making. They couldn’t see beyond their situation to the bright future ahead. All that was in sight was the fallout from others’ bad choices. So much so that my friend’s ability to choose a different outcome became blurred, lost in the smoke.

Do you know what the hardest part for me is? I couldn’t help my friend.

Talking did nothing. Tough love did nothing. A great number of family and friends reached out but none of us could make the final decision and bring about a positive outcome.

Can you relate?

Have you ever been so frustrated at a friend or loved one who refuses to change despite the obvious self-destruction taking place?

It’s hard to watch someone acquiesce to second best experiences.

I apologize for being a bit worked up. My heart is aching as I think about the brokenness in my friend. And this is not a singular incident. I’m tired of watching my friends and family strike out left and right.

How about you?

I realize I’m asking a lot of questions today but it’s only because I need some answers. Strike that. I know the answers but sometimes the truth’s hard to swallow.

Here’s the truth: Blame cannot easily be laid on others when the choice has always been ours. It’s hard to watch someone falsely believe that they can’t do any better. Or for someone to know they can do better but wonder what’s the point.

This is why I’m really struggling today. I watched someone make the wrong choice. And there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Maybe you guys can help me. I’ve come to grips with the reality that it’s out of my hands. But that doesn’t make it any easier. 

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Don’t Skip A Step

I played softball last weekend and learned a valuable lesson.

Before the game started I noticed that everyone was stretching. I remember thinking to myself that stretching wasn’t that necessary. This week my left leg has been a little sore, but I didn’t think anything about it. The other day I noticed some swelling and that’s when I got a little concerned.

A friend of mine runs a sports medicine clinic so I stopped by her office. Turns out nothing is seriously wrong with my leg—just a little soreness and inflammation from not stretching before the game.  

This lesson only reinforced what I’ve been learning: You can’t get to where you’re going without working hard where you are.

Students today are disillusioned by this notion they’ll be making a triple digit income straight out of college. They want to be paid as an expert while having the experience of an amateur.

That’s as absurd as me thinking that I didn’t need to stretch when I hadn’t played softball—or any sport for that matter—in over a year.

There are a lot of things I want to do. I try to take positive steps every day to reach my goals, but I am nowhere close to where I want to be. So I read books and follow blogs and talk with people who are a few steps ahead of me. When I’m at work I do my best because I can learn from every job experience.

Do you see where this is going?

I am by no means trying to reinvent the wheel.

Truett Cathy, founder of Chick-fil-A, once said that when you make a product better, the people will demand that your business gets bigger.

I think this is true of individuals as well.

As I work harder to become better, other people can’t help but notice.  

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A Different Path

Ms. Carol was an elderly woman who lived in a local nursing home. Every month or so, my me-maw would fix her hair and sometimes I would tag along. One day, I remember asking me-maw why Ms. Carol’s children never visited her. You couldn’t be around Ms. Carol long without noticing how sad she was. Even as a ten year old kid I knew something wasn’t right.

Unfortunately, Ms. Carol was not the best parent. Me-maw had known Ms. Carol for years and said she used to be a mean, hateful, and spiteful person. This news broke my heart. I didn’t like that Ms. Carol was alone or the fact that it was her own fault.

That’s the tricky part about consequences. Sometimes they are devastating. Left standing in the ruins of your own making, it’s hard to believe you allowed things to get this bad.

I found myself in this situation several years ago. Bitterness and unforgiveness had taken over my heart. I was sad, lonely, and angry. It took me a while to realize that the path I was on would produce nothing but more brokenness. Everything came down to one decision. No one else could make it for me.

Was I going to remain on the road to nowhere? Or would I choose to take a different path?

I chose a different path and so can you. Is holding on to pain and regret really worth being miserable? Ms. Carol made some bad choices, but she came to grips with her past faults and moved on.

No matter what you’ve done, there’s still hope. The only time change is unachievable is when you’re dead.

Ask some friends to help you through this process. Find a good counselor, if necessary, or visit with a local pastor. Help is out there.

You don’t have to walk alone anymore. 

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A Life of Resolve

Resolutions are not just made at New Year’s.

They are also made at the beginning of summer. That magical time of year when a woman realizes she cannot wear a two piece bathing suit. It’s been her aim for the last fifteen years to lose an incredible amount of weight and wow everyone with her awesome new look.

At the first signs of spring, gym membership increases, weight loss programs sell a lot of chalky tasting food, and people make their final resolution…again.I am not being cruel! I have been one of these people! And not only about losing weight, but a lot of other things as well. My excuses are endless: I’ve been busy, sick, tired, unmotivated. These are legitimate excuses at times, but every time? I have abandoned so many plans, left so many to-do lists undone.

I’ve committed criminal negligence against my dreams.

My negligence puts me in a vulnerable position. When I watch someone else who’s working hard to accomplish their goals I get mad, defensive even. This person might be a family member or close friend, so then I feel guilty over my jealous anger. Where I used to extend grace and mercy, now I can only find fault. Can anyone else relate? I am not sharing this information for the fun of it. To judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions is pure lunacy.

This battle, action versus intention, has destroyed many relationships because the standards are so unfair.  

Don’t abandon your dreams and become a cynic of those who refuse to quit. Own up to your failures. Expose your weaknesses. Learn how to endure. This is the key to leaving the mountain of broken resolutions behind in order to live a life of resolve. 

What steps are you taking to live a life of resolve?

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The Art of Effective Planning

I love to create lists and plans, organizing my life into manageable sections of activity. Not to mention that marking things off a to-do list is absolutely empowering.

If you think I’m a bit strange, there have been entire books devoted to planning, organization, and lists. Most experts agree that creating a good plan or list is an art. It’s all about finding what works for you.

This is no joke. I’ve pinpointed several good strategies that have really worked. My overall productivity has increased dramatically as a result.

It’s always a good idea to begin with the ideal conditions in mind. If the weather is perfect, everyone shows up, and you ordered the right amount of food…this is the basis of a good plan. Always plan for the ideal, but be prepared for the unexpected. The worst thing you can do is have no plan if something goes wrong.

Don’t make it harder on yourself—you haven’t even included the people yet.

Not everyone sees the benefit of following your well-crafted, ingenious plan. Not everyone gets the memo or likes what you have lined up. Some people won’t understand what you’re asking them to do no matter how you explain it. Like I said, implementing the execution of a plan is a lot harder than creating it. Be prepared to factor in these obstacles as well.

And who knows? Maybe someone has a better idea of how to get something done. Don’t be a jerk. A good plan can only become better.

This advice has been tested. I used to be horrible about either not planning or freaking out when things didn’t go my way. True balance lies somewhere in the middle. Maybe what I’ve suggested won’t work for you. That’s okay too. Find something that does and go for it.

Here’s what you cannot afford to do any longer: To sit around and wonder why nothing is getting done. 

Question: What strategies have worked best for you when you’re planning something?