Family

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North American Problems

I believe Dave Ramsey was the first person I heard use the phrase “That’s a North American problem.” His platform is devoted to helping people get out of debt. Of course, money is the biggest resource lacking across the globe, especially in third world countries.

This leads me back to North American problems…those of us in North America rarely find ourselves lacking.

Now, I understand that there’s a lot of people who really struggle to make ends meet. However, even those citizens who fall below the poverty level are still considered to be some of the wealthiest in the world.

All of these thoughts were swirling around my head as I was faced with a frustrating dilemma: Amazon.com cancelled my book order and I had pre-ordered six weeks in advance.This is a perfect example of a North American problem.

So would Starbucks not having your favorite drink flavor or having to wait in a long line to return an ill-fitting blouse to the store.

Most of our modern day conveniences—which we perceive as our right to have—are not readily available across the globe.

This is not meant as a slam against anyone.

I love hot showers, gourmet coffee, and electricity as much as the next person.

What I am learning is that my true needs are few. Many of the items on my “needs” list are merely wants—justifiable as they may seem.

Don’t go into the holiday season feeling condemned because Audra is a meanie.

Just don’t take for granted the blessings in your life.

I’m guessing that your closets are full, your electrical outlets are overloaded, and your pantries are stocked. That’s a huge blessing in itself!

It’s my goal this holiday season to get my mind off the need to buy everything. Sure, stuff can be useful, but I’d much rather focus on the people who are most important to me.

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First Responses

My first response to a highly emotional situation is not always great. I might want to yell out in anger or to take offence to everything said or to simply shut down, refusing to engage with those unfortunate enough to be around me at the time.

These times of trial are testing grounds of my resolve to respond appropriately even when my preferred first response better suits how I feel.

And that’s where it gets hard.

Most of us are taught that our feelings govern our response. Maybe no one said that out loud to you but it was demonstrated through their actions. The phrase “I can’t help but feel this way” comes to mind.

That being said, the greatest problem today is the overemphasis on emotions. Counsellors, books, and talk shows tell us that it’s our right to freely express ourselves.

I fear, though, that this free expression is ruining our ability—and desire—to relate to each other.

It’s not wrong to feel; however, it is wrong to think that everything you feel must be broadcasted to the general public.

Since moving closer to my dad, I’ve experienced numerous emotions—some good and some bad. This move has forced me to evaluate how I express my feelings in family situations. My parents and siblings are getting to know me. Plus, our family dynamic has shifted a lot in the last several months. I came in July and my new little brother came in September. Changes come daily–if not hourly–so everyone has to roll with the punches.

Needless to say, the word that is most often talked about in our home is grace.

We’ve all had to extend a ton of grace to each other. We’ve also had to point out where our first responses were incorrect, so that the root issues could be addressed.

On that note, this won’t be the only time I talk about first responses (but I’ve run out of time today).

Here’s a few questions to think about this week: How often is your first response the one you express? How do you keep your emotions in check? 

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My Latest Endeavor

The big news is that my baby brother, Samuel Courage Holliman, has arrived! He’s a month old and cute as a button.

His arrival has meant a shift in household chores and responsibilities. Normal life was paused in order to give mama and baby time to settle in and rest up. We’re now trying to get everyone back on track with homeschool and work.

The biggest change for me during this time has been my new assignment: Cooking.

That’s right. I’m learning how to cook.

For those of you who know me well this might come as a shock. And I’m sure you can imagine how comical it might be when I, who knows next to nothing about cooking, gets to following a recipe.

 As part of my culinary education, breakfast and dinner during the week are my responsibility.

Not to mention that this new job involves menu planning and inventory (shopping lists for grocery runs).

I want to take this moment to salute all mothers and grandmothers. The task of making and planning meals is a big one! After I sat down and wrote out my first menu and shopping list, I was mentally exhausted. Anyone who says being a mom is a no-brainer job has never written out a shopping list.

In all seriousness, I’m learning the importance of wives and mothers who work hard every day to make their homes a safe, hospitable environment.

 All of that said, my cooking lessons are starting to pay off. Sure, there’s been a few mishaps along the way, but my family is very gracious. My wariness of the kitchen is starting to fade.

Cookbooks are my new best friends and I’m even thinking of getting a Pinterest account for recipe ideas.

Also, this time in the kitchen will improve the chances that my future husband will not starve when we get married.  

Question: What’s your latest endeavor? And how is it challenging your thinking?

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The Differences

I have slacked on the observational side of the differences between the Pacific Northwest and the South. Here’s the two biggies that come up in conversation: the weather and health care.

Many conversations start out by mentioning my accent—the first cue I’m “different”—and end by talking about those two subjects.

First off, I wouldn’t want to lose my accent—ever! It’s the greatest conversational piece an extrovert could ask for. 

 The weather is also much different from the South. And it’s actually quite a picture of how vast the climate can be from one area to the next—even when the areas are only miles apart!

I live in a microclimate; imagine a snow globe but substitute the snow with rain.

The summers are relatively short with weather that’s often too beautiful for words. The winters are cold and wet with one or two snow days in between. Compared to the region surrounding me, I live in one of the “warmest” places. I only put quotation marks around warmest because I think of warm in Southern terms. However, it is a true statement that it’s the warmest place.

 That leaves health care…a sore subject that has ruined many a conversation.

I realize that this is the hot topic buzzing around the country, but many citizens are woefully uninformed. And that’s why this health care “reform” was passed in the first place. The number of individuals who think critically are few and far between.

I do not want to do this topic an injustice, so be looking for my thoughts on health care to appear next week.

Here’s a question to think on this weekend:

What are some of the differences you can think of between the Pacific Northwest and the South? 

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Family Dynamic

One thing that’s taken some adjustment since moving to the Pacific Northwest is the lack of privacy. Someone’s always coming around the corner or knocking on the door. I grew up with lots of privacy and mega doses of alone time.

There’s nothing wrong with needing a little space, but my worldview is slowly shifting on the topic of “me time.”

The Bible says that we should train up our children throughout the day. This means that our actions and words are being observed every minute, especially if you’re in a large family.

 I cannot expect my siblings to learn if I constantly need space and refuse to let them participate in my daily routine. They all love to run errands with me or help me with my chores.I get asked a lot of questions about how to do things or why I do something a certain way.

Thats why I’m really having to get past my need for more privacy.

I want my siblings to spend as much time with me as possible. Sometimes I don’t want to bring a kiddo to the store or have them help me with the dishes. It would be a lot easier and faster if I could do it alone.

 However, they always thank me for allowing them to go or participate in whatever I’m doing.

Talk about feeling convicted about your selfishness!

Add that guilt to hearing your three year old sister, who calls you her best buddy, say, “Thank you, Audra for bring me to the store.”

It will make you repent fast!

The bottom line is that I am blessed by their eager hearts and hands. It’s such a privilege and honor for me to know that my siblings want to be with me.

This kind of family dynamic is one that I want to cultivate in my own home some day.   

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Manners Matter

Yes ma’am, no ma’am, yes sir, no sir—These phrases have always been a part of my daily vocabulary as have the usual pleasantries of please and thank you. I was also taught that you put Ms. or Mr. In front of an adult’s name.

As a child, I cannot remember calling any adult by their first name only.

No one asked me if I wanted to be polite and respectful. It was demanded of me.

My me-maw taught me that adults, especially older adults, were to be treated with the highest level of respect. Not answering properly was an offence equal to interrupting a conversation. (And my family didn’t view corporal punishment as wrong either, so being rude meant some discomfort was coming my way.)

 Over the years, my use of yes ma’am and the like have made quite a few people uncomfortable.

“I’m not that old,” some would say, or “You don’t have to call me Mr. Bob. Just call me Bob.”

That’s where it got a little awkward. Who do I obey? That person? My parents? No wonder kids have been so confused over the years.

Adults demand to be treated as adults, for their commands to be instantly obeyed without question. Then they reprimand children for assigning honor to their role.

 Consequently, you have children who show no respect for authority and who believe they can call all the shots.

Who needs to listen and yield to those who are older when many parents are busy trying to wear skinny jeans and borrowing blouses from their teenaged daughter’s closet? (No one wants to admit they’re getting older.)

Once again, I’ve gone to the extreme in my use of examples. But I cannot understand how anyone who claims to be “all grown up” would take offence to being shown respect.  

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Embrace Quiet Times

It’s a rainy day in the Pacific Northwest. I’m enjoying the peace and quiet upstairs. There’s nothing big planned for the afternoon and no one is coming over for dinner. I’d call this a perfect moment, a time of reflection that isn’t taking place in distress or chaos.

These times are the best for making decisions and casting vision for the future.

I’m not bashing in-the-moment choices because these are necessary too. However, there’s something special about the quiet moments that occur before big life events.

For example, I now live in a subtropic region. Come late September the weather will be easy to predict. It’s going to be cold, wet, and overcast until late May or early June. That’s why this summer has been so busy for me. Some things have to be done while it’s sunny, so priorities shift during the brief summer months.

And it’s another reason why this rainy day was needed.

I’ve been living at such a fast pace trying to accomplish my summer to-do list that it’s taken a rainy day to finally slow me down. One thing I’ve learned recently is that there’s no point in whining about the snail paced times of your life.

Human beings live in a constant state of transition. You’re either coming out of a time of transition or you’re entering one.

It’s that simple.

The only people who do not live by this model can be found in the cemetery.

Why not take the seemingly “boring” times of minimal change to plan?

Quiet moments don’t come around very often. Try making some decisions when the world isn’t moving like a race car in the Indy 500.

Things look a lot different when they aren’t blurring all around you.

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Check Your Priorities

Balance.

It’s something that we all want to achieve.

We try to eat healthy foods while also indulging our sweet tooth. We work hard at our jobs, but we have to make time with our families a priority. These are basic concepts, right? No-brainers even.

My life is totally in balance…I think.

 Don’t worry. I’m not advocating that we all take up yoga and sit criss-cross in order to envision our lives’ priorities on a scale.

If that’s what it takes for you then go for it! I,however, have always found yoga a bit too weird.

What I am advocating is some serious thought on our priorities. One of my favorite authors, Jon Acuff, challenged me with the following thought:

“If I say that my family or writing or my business endeavors (Insert your own interests here) are important, then why does my calendar not reflect it?”

 This question is eating my lunch.

It’s not enough to say that something is a priority. My actions and how I spend my time should reflect my words.

What I’m learning is that if I cannot manage my time now—when I’m single—then how can I juggle the responsibilities of wife and mother?

That’s where my mind goes as I follow this thought into the future.

 Maybe that’s a bit too extreme for you, but it’s something more of us should do.

There’s truth in the saying “If you want to see where you’ll be in five years, take a look at how your time is spent now.” (This is not exactly how that saying goes, but it works nonetheless).

I encourage you to take some time this week to write out your priorities and compare them to your calendar.

How are you doing?

If nothing changes, where will you end up five years from now?  

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Planning Vs. Living

It’s easy to look ahead—way ahead—and make plans. And there’s nothing wrong with plans. But all plans are subject to change at a minute’s notice. I cannot concretely tell you what I will be doing tomorrow or even an hour from now.

Some things are simply out of my control.

 That’s hard for me to accept. I want to perfectly map out my day, my week, my life.

I constantly have to say, “STOP! I don’t have to have everything figured out today!” That usually keeps my brain from exploding.

Here’s another thing that’s helped: I take a good look around me. I play a game with my siblings. We laugh and have a great time. I splash around in the pool with them and realize that they’re growing up before my eyes.

How much have I missed being so worried about tomorrow? Or today? Or next weekend?

 Because the truth is that I could drop dead at any moment. I know it’s a sobering and somewhat depressing realization, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

Now don’t go pitch your calendar and watch out the window. Don’t stop making plans. Just take a minute to ask yourself a few questions.

Are you glad to be alive today? 

Are your kids or grandkids or siblings growing up unnoticed?

Do you spend more time planning your life than actually living it?  

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Reason to Celebrate

A couple of years ago I believed I would never have a relationship with my dad. I wanted to meet him but figured it would be one of those awkward “Hi, I’m your kid. Tell me your family’s medical history and I’ll be glad to get out of your hair” moments. We’d drink a cup of coffee, talk about the weather, and then go our separate ways.

I’m so glad that’s not how it went.

Despite the time I have with my dad now, I know what it’s like to grow up without parents. In fact, I used to be one of the most bitter and resentful people when it came to my parents.

No matter what anyone tells you kids want their parents to be around. But I used to be quick to tell you that I didn’t need my parents because I was getting along just fine without them.

Did I mention that I was a pretty good actress as well?

I was so excited to have my dad around that I started sifting through my life and got very critical. It’s like I had to find some way to reconcile my past and my present in order to make sense of it all.  

I forgot just how blessed I was to have grandparents who raised me like their own. I forgot how many people grafted me into their families.

Psalm 68: 6 says that God sets the solitary in families. He certainly did that for me.

So this Father’s Day I’m not just celebrating the restoration of my relationship with my dad. I’m also celebrating that my Heavenly Father blessed me with lots of family when I needed it most.

It’s my prayer that I can encourage those who are walking through a similar situation. I had a lot of people who helped me through, so how can I not do the same?