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Things left unsaid

Many times I’ve felt bad because I needed to shut up and I didn’t.

Why did I say that?

Why can’t I keep my big mouth shut?

If you want to meet a connoisseur of crow, look no further. It goes great with a big slice of humble pie.

But, more often than not, my regret comes from a different place:

Why didn’t I say anything?

When I look back, there’s a lot of things I wanted to say. The words died on my tongue.

I wish now that I still had my childhood journals because I wrote down all of my rebuttals–after the fact.On paper, I was the most self-confident, well spoken person.

My battle with rejection kept me from saying much. It was easier, I believed, to not say anything at all than to lose a relationship–even if the relationship was unhealthy.

This obsession with not being rejected didn’t lead to greater acceptance. It only led to more loneliness.

I honestly believed that being a doormat was my best choice.

Each time a muddy boot plowed over me, I took that pain and buried it deep, but you can only bury things for so long.

Stuffing emotions is a lot like taking trash to a landfill. The hole is deep but it fills up to overflowing fast. No matter how much you pack the trash down, there comes a time when full is full.

I encourage you to not remain silent. I understand that confrontation is not easy. Not standing up for yourself, though, only leads to frustration and regret.

What you have to say is important.

You are important.

It’s time to take off your “Wipe Your Paws” t-shirt.

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One Uppers and Comparisons

We’ve all told a story and had someone pull a one up.

I’ve told a one up story or two or twenty….

It’s something that I am more conscious of now as I hang out with friends because there’s nothing worse than being one upped.

No one likes a One Upper either.

Here’s an example:

My first bass

My first bass

I went fishing this summer and caught two (small) large mouth bass–my first–along with a few brim and trash fish. It was a big deal for me! I was excited. Pictures were taken and hoorahs were shared with my family.

A few days later, I told an acquaintance about the trip.

“That’s nothing. I’ve caught 25 fish during one trip.”

My first catfish

My first catfish (It was a baby)

I had to admit their story was better.

Fishing is something I enjoy, but I’m not very good at it. I could’ve caught a lot of fish that day. However, my dead cat like reflexes, combined with being distracted by the beauty of the scene around me, meant that many fish passed me by (after eating my bait, of course).

I was still proud, though, of my two fish.

My conversation ended like this:

“Wow. It sounds like you had a great time. I’m pretty sure I haven’t caught 25 fish in my lifetime. But I am proud of my haul. I had fun too.”

Remember how I told you perfectionism is the enemy?

Comparison is an enemy too.

Someone will always be bigger, better, prettier, more talented, and smarter than you.

But what the world needs is for you to show up.

There’s only one ____________ (insert your name here).

You are special.

I know it’s easy to forget–I do it all the time!

Some days it feels like I’m the most average, boring person in the world.

But that is not true.

Put your measuring stick away.

You are special.

You are enough.

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Facing old enemies

Perfectionism really is the enemy. 

Everything you’ve heard about perfectionism is true. 

You will never win and nothing will be enough when you’re a perfectionist. 

I am a recovering perfectionist. 

  And today I experienced a major relapse. 

Normally, as I learn sign language, making mistakes does not bother me. 

Today, though, I froze while voice interpreting and I did not recover well from the stumble either. 

I allowed my mistake to throw me off. A few tears were shed…

My old fiend, Perfection, mocked me and I listened. He’s close friends with Satan, so he’s really good at his job. 

Thankfully, my friend and mentor refused to let me stew over the mishap for too long. 

I’m glad she stopped me from hanging out in that ditch. 

If you find yourself in a ditch today, I want to help you get out too. Don’t allow perfectionism to steal your joy and happiness. 

Do your best and move on!

Keep trying!

And know that I–and all the other encouragers in your life–will not let you stay in the ditch. 

Get back on the road where you belong. 

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Picture window thoughts

Does it bother you that my topics are random?

I realize that my posts range from super serious to total goof ball-ness (Yes, I just made up this word).

But that’s how my brain works….

I’m trying to find a flow in my daily blogging and become more consistent, especially if I say that I’ll finish talking about something the next day.

My thoughts, though, flitter and fly like a hummingbird. Or they attack a subject like a shark, leaving nothing but the bones behind.

No, I’m not ADD either.

I just love big ideas, the overarching principles that shape thinking.

Nitpicking tunnel vision bothers me. You lose sight of the grand design that way.

I’m not arguing against taking a strong stance, but I’m coming to believe more and more that you can have strong beliefs without needing to discredit and destroy those who are different from you.

I try to focus all my energy on building character and helping others.

No one benefits when you’re an idea bully.

Maybe your idea is the best. Kudos to you.

But no one likes a bully–even a correct one.

Don’t claim up and never share what’s important to you either.

Just remember that what’s important to you right now might not be important to someone else.

I think of it like this:

Friends have the right to share ideas, so it’s always better to be a friend as opposed to being an enemy.

So, we’re back to where we started: The randomness of my blogs.

I prefer the bigger picture, which is probably why I’ve always loved picture windows, mountain top views, and aerial shots.

My goal is for us to engage in meaningful conversations around the posts.

I want us to dig deeper into the whys (a big reason “daring to dig deeper” is my tagline) while keeping our eyes on the horizon, the bigger picture.

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Looking for the best

I had a bad dream last night. A girl was being bullied at school and no one stood up for her.

In the dream I could feel everything she was feeling.

I still feel it too.

From brenebrown.com

From brenebrown.com

I’m currently reading Rising Strong by Brené Brown. (A book review will follow when I’m finished.)

Dr. Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She’s done ground breaking studies in the areas of shame, guilt, and vulnerability.

The last chapter I read posed the following question:

“Do you believe others are doing the best they can?”

The rest of the chapter explores what Dr. Brown learned when both herself and research groups to answer the question.

My own answer shocked me because I try hard to be an optimistic person.

I often do not think others are doing the best they can.

It was an ouch moment, for sure. I sat there dumbfounded and reread the question again and again.

Am I really that critical? The harsh reality is that many times I am….

Like I mentioned earlier, the dream rattled me, and I was recovering from that shock when I got to Dr. Brown’s question.

Grappling with the meanness in areas such as bullying, racism, religion, politics, etc. is tough.

But at the end of the day, you can’t let that meanness lead to hopelessness.

There is a lot more light in the world than darkness. You don’t hear much about it, but it’s true.

Plus, as a Christian, I know there is hope for the meanest, most evil person in the world because of Jesus.

And then there’s all the times I fall.

I don’t set out to screw up and hurt the ones I love.

…I’m just doing the best that I can!

Ouch!

The moment when truth pierces through my hypocritical heart.

Lord, please forgive my double standards.

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Necessary pit stops

I’m a sucker when it comes to good lyrics.

Every song has a meaning–no matter what folks say otherwise. I’m much more forgiving about the music if the lyrics are compelling.

If a song is stuck in my head, I pull up the lyrics and read through them. Many times there’s a lesson I need to learn.

I know that meditation is a five dollar word, but it’s important.

Meditate means:

  • to focus one’s thoughts
  • to engage in contemplation or reflection

Many of us meditate all the time without realizing it.

IMG_1694Ever sat down and thought of a problem from every possible angle? Ever intensely studied a passage of scripture or literature?

That’s meditation.

I spent today meditating on song lyrics because I had a song stuck in my head.

We all need to meditate, to focus, on the important aspects of our life.

The best seasons of growth come from times of serious meditation.

Our fast paced society, though, doesn’t want you to slow down, to think.

Be impulsive! Make a rash decision!

I’ve never met anyone whose said: The key to a successful life is never slowing down, never stopping to think things through.

My meditation face...

My meditation face…

I’m learning that maintaining a fast paced lifestyle doesn’t mean I’m successful or even fulfilled. All it means is that I know how to fill up my calendar with activities.

Some people say that meditation is a waste of time, but a schedule with no margin, no breathing room, costs you double the time.

I’ve never regretted the time I’ve taken to figure things out, to explore the whys.

There’s nothing wrong with pulling off the road to check your map. Stopping for a minute is better than needlessly going 100 miles off course.

And that’s all meditation is: a necessary pit stop.

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Labor Day Learning

Happy Labor Day!

I hope you ate some tasty food. 

We had barbecue (my personal favorite) and sang America, the Beautiful. 

Did you know that Labor Day’s been around since the 1800s? 

The holiday was and is about celebrating all the laborers who work hard, building and maintaining America’s varying infrastructures. 

 

This is the closest I’ve ever come to being a lumberjack. Happy Labor Day!

 From homes and offices to highways and bridges–and everything in between–America would look a lot different without the hard work of tradesmen. 

I encourage you to read up on the history of Labor Day. Google that junk, as my friend Bethany would say. 

Yes, there is more to the holiday than simply enjoying a long weekend and eating barbecue (though I want to know when National Barbecue Day rolls around). 

Put down your fork for 5 minutes and learn something. 

History is all around us. It’s not confined to a dusty textbook. And it can only be ignored for so long. 

I don’t want to be a mindless zombie when it comes to holidays. 

I want to take the time to celebrate each one by honoring its unique history. 

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Internet 101: Don’t write opinion (I mean, open) letters

I’ve noticed a lot of open letters floating around the internet.

Did you know there’s even a definition for them?

An open letter is:

“A letter, often critical, addressed to a particular person or group of people but intended for publication.”

Here’s Audra’s definition:

“An letter is your opinion–masked in self-righteousness–and broadcasted to the world because you don’t actually have a voice in that person or group’s life.

Own up to your opinion, okay?

Don’t hide behind an open letter and say, “Just sayin’…you (and the rest of the world) needed to know.”

Letters–real letters–are very personal. Someone took the time to sit down and express their thoughts. It went out to a special person and led to a deeper relationship.

Blasting out hate mail in the form of an open letter is wrong. Plain and simple.

I’m not saying there haven’t been good open letters too.

But everyone knows the truth.

A letter to “the poor, lonely soul in the corner” is about the writer expressing their opinion as another “poor, lonely soul in the corner”. (To all poor, lonely souls: Please don’t stay that way because I stopped an open letter from being written to you.)

I hope open letters are not how our generation chooses to communicate.

I don’t see the need to write open letters.

If I want to share my opinion, I’ll just blog about it.

Wait a minute!!!!!

You mean my blog is entirely based on my perception of the world?

Like an open letter?

Mind blown.

There are so many ways to express yourself online–without hiding behind anything.

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Internet 101: Nothing can be erased

If you grew up in the ’90s, chances are someone in your family watched a talk show.

Jenny Jones, Oprah, Ricki Lake, Maury, Montel…..

As a kid, I thought your life had to be pretty bad to go on a talk show.

  • You had a kid and after three paternity tests you don’t know who the father is?
  • Your biggest fear is a jar of mayonnaise?
  • Your husband/wife had how many affairs and you found out on a TV show?

Somewhere along the way talk shows–like Furbys, Beanie Babies, and Lisa Frank–lost their popularity. Sure, they still exist today but who really watches them now?

And then the internet came along….

  • Businesses hire and fire based on your Facebook page.
  • Cyber bullying is rampant.
  • Ashley Madison was hacked.

The internet is a great tool, but it can wreck your life too.

Imagine your worst mistake being used as the punch line for a meme, being wrote about by every blogger in the blogosphere, and becoming a viral video on YouTube.

nothingerasedWelcome to the dark side of the internet, my friend.

There needs to be more talk about using discretion on the internet. The information you put online can’t be erased. I don’t care what anyone tells you otherwise. Take a look around.

Welcome to the biggest global talk show.

Everyone is watching.

A quick Google search, a little digging, and a lot of sharing is all it takes to ruin a reputation.

This is the reason why the Ashley Madison scandal breaks my heart. No doubt about it. The people who were exposed are in the wrong. I’m not defending their actions.

But their spouses and children are caught up in this mess too.

Keep this in mind as you use the internet.

The consequences of your actions really do affect others.

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Practicing graciousness 

Ever gone out to eat and have your order messed up? 

Tonight I went out to dinner with friends. My order was fine, but their orders were completely messed up…..

At the end of our dinner, even my friend’s ticket was messed up! 

Oftentimes it’s awkward to tell a waiter, “Hey! This is all wrong.” 

You don’t want to be an overcomplaining customer, but you’re also paying for the food. 

The goal is to handle the situation with as much grace as possible. (Both of my friends were super gracious by the way.)

Sometimes it’s easy to be gracious, sometimes it’s not. 

I’m not saying it will be easy, but I do know that a little graciousness will go a long way. 
And, if that doesn’t work, have a chat with the restaurant’s manager. 

Being gracious is not the same as being a doormat.