Family

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Circle of Counsel

I have found a downside to being young. It’s the invincibility complex. Do you remember when I hurt my knee? That was the result of feeling invincible. And you see how well that worked out for me.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to punch fear in the face and conquer the world. I think everyone should live with that attitude.

But like most things in life there’s a fine line between confidence and stupidity.

And in a lot of ways I wouldn’t even call it stupidity.

It’s actually an unwillingness to heed sound advice.

My dad would call that not being teachable. I am not saying to only try something when you’re perfect at it.

Who has ever benefited from that busted philosophy?

Not being teachable is an attitude of stubborn rebellion against those who not only are trying to help you but also those who are trying to teach you how to do something the right way.

If you’re familiar with the book of Proverbs, an ancient wisdom book found in the Bible, a lot of proverbs talk about the wisdom of sound counsel from a multitude of people.

More often than not, I fail when I refuse to heed the advice given by those in my circle of counsel.

Here’s my list of those in my circle: My parents, my grandparents, and a few close friends. I can always trust their advice and I always seek it out before making a big decision.

Who’s in your circle of counsel?

Choose wisely.

Put the right people in that circle and you’re bound to be successful.

But if that’s the case then the wrong people will point you down a path of destruction.

It matters who your friends are and whose advice you’re following.

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Who’s Watching You?

I’m getting a baby brother in September! Isn’t that awesome?

My day gets a little brighter each time I think of this precious, perfect little person who is a part of my family. Every human life is important and full of potential. There’s just something about babies though. Can you think of anything more innocent than a baby? Untouched by the evils of the world, seeing only opportunity, full of trust—babies are the purest of vessels.

I’m sounding like the narrator of a documentary…moving on.

So I’m getting a new baby brother and it has me thinking: What role do I play in his life? Because I don’t believe that the normal, stereotypical roles of big and little siblings are okay.

There’s a big age difference between us—twenty-three years—but that doesn’t matter. We can still have a good relationship.

In an attempt to mimic self-help gurus, I’ve come up with an acronym of sibling to describe the role I hope to play in my little brother’s life (don’t all barf at once):

Supportive at all times
Interested in his life and hobbies
Believer in his dreams
Loving through the good and bad
Invested in his future
Nonstop encourager
Gracious to forgive his mistakes

Maybe you’re an awesome role model and need few reminders to stay on track. But I find myself needing to be reminded of all the little eyes who are watching me. It’s often the people in our inner circles who suffer the most when we struggle.

This conversation is not meant to be a reprimand but an encouragement.

Think about where you’re falling short and make some improvements. Think about where you’re excelling and take notes.  Because someone is following in your footsteps.

My question for you today is simple.

Who’s watching you?

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Training Future Generations

I read an article this week on the subject of children and independence. The author talked in-depth about her study of children from various tribes across the globe.

Apparently, their children have tons of freedom to explore and learn without constant adult supervision.

These native kids know survival skills such as hunting, fishing, and fire building by the age of five or six.

 The children of Western culture are way behind.

The author gives three problems as to why: They have too many planned activities, most adults consider them a nuisance, and they are woefully unhappy because of poor parenting practices.

For the most part, I agree with the author. It’s sad when parents scream at their children for making noise, when neighborhoods are not kid-friendly.

 I am so thank that my grandparents allowed me to be a kid. I was free to play outside, to explore my surroundings, and to make mistakes.

I could run, laugh, and be silly with little to no chastisement.

Don’t get me wrong. If I got out of line, there were consequences, but I felt safe within the confines of clear boundaries.

By no means was I killing bobcats with my bare hands or wielding knives to take down crocodiles. (That would’ve been awesome though!) At least I knew how to complete my chores. I was also capable of feeding and clothing myself.

 In today’s times, children are not treated with importance. Training and attention is needed to mold them into a future generation ready to take their place.

I am not a parent, but I have eyes.

It doesn’t take long to notice that children are crying out for attention, for someone to expect more out of them.

What’s the future going to look like if we continue to neglect the children in our care?

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Expect more

I had a band director in high school who struck fear into the hearts of students. Everyone loved her—she deeply cared about us all—but mediocrity was not acceptable. Many times I came home thoroughly chastised for not knowing my part.

The cool thing is that our band always made it to the state competition and always placed at the top of our class. I whined a good bit because she was “so mean,” but now it’s clear that my teacher taught her students the importance of discipline.

Today discipline is a dirty word.

Teachers can’t expect their students to do excellent work. Parents can’t expect their children to do chores or even to behave. That’s too much pressure. Their poor little psyches can’t handle it!

I’m not bashing children—I love children!—but undisciplined, lazy children turn into undisciplined, lazy adults. I feel bad for the children who grow up with no expectations. Life is not going to be kind to them.

Furthermore, it saddens me a bit that no one expects young adults to act as such. I am twenty-two years old. If I start acting infantile, please don’t label me as another hopeless cause from the upcoming generation!

Challenge my behavior. Expect more.

Isn’t that what we all need? To be challenged? For the bar to be raised a little bit higher?  I think a change would sweep across this nation if the older generations would expect something more than immaturity from the younger generations.

Discipline and responsibility—any good character trait really—is not obtained at the grocery store.They are learned behaviors. Who’s supposed to teach us?  

Don’t throw the younger generations under the bus. Help us to become strong, mature adults who make a difference in this world.

After all, we are the future. 

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When the Chalk Dust Settles…

I am not a big fan of standardized tests.

Trying to measure intelligence using torture devices such as Scantrons and stuffy, windowless rooms is downright mean. Plus, people go into testing all stressed out because of high expectations. At least, that’s how I felt before every standardized test from elementary school through college. My stress level was through the roof!

It seemed as if the fate of my life rested on if I knew the circumference of a circle or the antonym of ambivalent or the number of protons in Californium.

Please do not take me as an opponent of education or as a slacker who has a vendetta against the education system. I am being a bit hyperbolic in order to prove a point about measuring success. I can remember time after time of cramming before tests and realizing a few weeks later that I did not remember anything. Though it’s quite shameful to admit now, at the time it didn’t matter whether I actually knew the material, only that I could regurgitate the correct answers.

Is it possible that by focusing on test results the quality of education is eroding?  

Some argue that if students were truly passionate, they would want to learn. Others say that teachers are burned out, so they do not make the subject matter fun. The political nuts scream out against corrupt politicians who are stealing money and robbing our children of a proper education. All of these answers have elements of truth, but I do not think that any one issue can be held solely responsible for the problem.

When the chalk dust settles, the real problem is plain: Both adults and children desire the riches of success and the expertise of professionals without putting in the work needed to achieve either.

By teaching children to expect something for nothing, I’m afraid that future generations, beginning with mine, are doomed to fail. 

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The Biggest Impact: Part II

When I met my dad, it was like finding the missing pieces of a puzzle. I was able to fill in the gaps on so many of the mysteries surrounding my life.

I found out that we are freakishly (and I say this in a loving way) similar; not just in appearance but in personality as well. That was something I had always wondered about because my whole life I acted so differently from the rest of my family.

I gained two grandmothers, Grandma Susana and Nana; four siblings, Sofia, Savanna, Caleb, and Selah; and last but not least a beautiful stepmother, Celina or Mama Ce.

What a blessing!

Also, he and my stepmom are really challenging my thinking in a lot of ways. I’m just going to list them in order to save some time because each area would require its own explanation: Faith, family, ministry, food, hobbies….those are just some general categories.

The cool thing is that I am walking through these things with my parents. In many ways these things are all new to each of us, so it’s a learning curb for us all.

I guess the best way to answer part two of my dad’s question is to refer back to part one (see last post).

I would say that the answer is just as simple: his presence in my life has only made me stronger and more secure.

This post is not about boosting my dad’s ego. 

The Lord designed marriage and family to be a representation of his love for the church.

Fathers are the protectors, providers, and spiritual leaders of the family. If you are a father and are not doing the above things, you are acting outside of the will of God.

My dad will be the first to tell you that he was a coward for leaving me in the first place. In fact, that was the first thing he ever said to me when we started talking via Facebook.

However, he asked my forgiveness and immediately began seeking ways to fulfill his role as my father. That makes him a hero in my book. 

My life has not been the same since that moment, and I would not want it to be because God turned my heart toward my father. Not many girls can say the same. 

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The Biggest Impact…

My dad asked me to share about the impact of his absence in my life.

He told me to be brutally honest. To not hold anything back in order to spare his feelings.

Well, here’s the truth, the biggest impact: Simply not knowing him.

This sounds really stupid but it’s the truth.

I have a lot of friends, so I’ve heard all kinds of stories about their dads. Some girls sing praises, others tell horror stories.

Here’s the thing: at least they knew their fathers.

I am not the only person who grew up without a dad but not knowing him made me think.

What’s his favorite color? Movie? Band? Do I look like him? Is he funny? Smart? Is he a Christian? Atheist?

When I was older I learned that he was a missionary and that he had a family. This added a whole new smattering of questions.

Doesn’t he care about my salvation? Does his wife know? How many kids does he have? Is he a good dad to them? He hasn’t been to me…

My dad was a shadowy figure, a ghost, who haunted my dreams. I just wanted to meet him; To sit in a room and ask him a few questions. After all, he was my father, so half of my DNA came from him.

Whatever anyone tells you here’s the truth about abandonment: Kids want to know their parents.

That’s God’s design.

Me?

I wanted to know my parents so bad because I needed to understand who I was. And, I wanted to hear the whole story.

Was it true my dad’s parents hated me? Why did my parents split up? Why, dad, wherever you are, did you not want me? What did I do? I was a baby.

My mom was a drug addict, scarred by her past. My dad was a ghost. I carried my questions around with me because they could not be answered by anyone but my parents, so why burden anyone else?

Plus, I didn’t really have any friends who understood either. There were a few but not many. I grew up watching other kids interact with their parents and thinking to myself:

Unloading the dishwasher, putting my clothes away, and cleaning my room would not be that bad if my mom or dad asked me. I would do just about anything if I could spend some time with them.

Don’t get me wrong, my Me-maw is awesome. She did a great job raising me. However, we both understood that her love and care could never replace the desire I had for my parents.

Thankfully, God gave me so much more than I could have ever dreamed of.

God gave me an awesome grandmother; a supportive extended family that made sure I had what I needed and wanted; and, most importantly, God lavished me with love and protected my spirit.

I’m so glad God gave me those things to help me better accept the bitter truths of my childhood.

***I just couldn’t end this blog negatively.***