conversation

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Cultivating friendship

My friend Michelle and I set out to visit a deaf church tonight. 

Another friend, a fellow Rhema student, told me about this church a few weeks ago, but it was during the week of Winter Bible Seminar. 

We drove around for 30 minutes looking for the church and when we finally found it, no one was there!

After our wild goose chase, Michelle and I decided to get a pizza at Mazzio’s. 

It was the first time we’ve had a chance to really talk off the clock (we work together) and there was so much I didn’t know about her. 
One of my goals for 2016 is to make time for important relationships. 

How do you do that?

Intentionality. 

Go out to dinner, grab a coffee, go for a walk…

What you do doesn’t matter. Just spend time with people. 

Developing friendships–or any relationship for that matter–will not happen without time and intentionality. 

And here’s another key: don’t spend half the time on your phone! 

Pay attention. 

Nothing will shut down a good conversation like fiddling with your phone. 

The goal is not to be BFFs with everyone. But if you never hang out with others, close friendships will not happen. 

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Open doors

I know we all want to have conversations about more than the weather, celebrity gossip, and sports.

Deeper.

More meaningful.

Heart matters.

All of these phrases are used to describe the genuine, intimate relationships we desire with our friends and family.

I have some bad news though….

Small talk about the “trivial” things of life leads to open doors into the lives of others.

I’m speaking from experience–and if that doesn’t convince you then I’ll appeal to your reasoning.

Small talk helps you gain trust with others.

Trust comes with time.

Trust comes in small moments (or conversations).

Because there’s nothing worse than sharing something with an untrustworthy person.

Trust is like the roller coaster ride where you shoot straight up into the air and then the ride stops at the tip-top. You don’t know when it going to drop…..and then it does!

Whoosh!

As you drop back down, your stomach comes up into your throat.

The experience splits in two at this point:

  1. You get off the ride feeling a bit dizzy, but you’re still standing.
  2. You get off the ride and immediately hurl everywhere.

(You’re smart enough to see which situation involves a trustworthy and untrustworthy person.)

And this is the best illustration I have about trust, which leads me back to conversations.

Don’t give up on small talk. It’s a crucial part of seeing who is trustworthy and who is not.

I look at small talk as the opportunity to spot open doors.

Get to know someone, build up trust via small talk, and they will open the door for you to talk with them about the things that matter.

Don’t forget your manners either.

Busting the door down means you might not get another invitation.

Why don’t you try knocking first?

 

 

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Internet 101: Is this my pride talking?

Is social media fueling our pride?

I can’t get this question out of my head. Awareness is one thing, but shameless plugs about our good deeds is another.

What is our motive when sharing things online?

Proverbs 27:2 says:

“Let another man praise you, and not your own mouth; A stranger, and not your own lips.”

Jesus said:

3 But when you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly” (Matthew 6:3-4).

These are the verses that are influencing my thoughts on this subject.

It’s a toughie….

nothingerasedI grew up as a people pleaser who lived in the shadows, always pushing others into the light. I used to think that’s what it meant to be humble.

And then I came to understand true humility–and it had nothing to do with my misconstrued beliefs about self-worth.

My discomfort now has nothing to do with my self-image. It has everything to do with the question of necessity.

Does everyone need to know that I did this? (Whatever “this” may be)

I have given money, support, and time to plenty of things. Normally, though, I ask to not be included in any online shout outs. There are exceptions, of course, but I will opt out whenever possible.

This post is not my legalistic attempt at being perceived as holy either. (That voice is screaming in my ear right now.)

I want us to have a conversation about this topic. I want to navigate these murky waters with you.

And I can’t ask you to engage in a conversation with me if I can’t be honest first.

Drop me a comment with your thoughts.

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Things left unsaid

Many times I’ve felt bad because I needed to shut up and I didn’t.

Why did I say that?

Why can’t I keep my big mouth shut?

If you want to meet a connoisseur of crow, look no further. It goes great with a big slice of humble pie.

But, more often than not, my regret comes from a different place:

Why didn’t I say anything?

When I look back, there’s a lot of things I wanted to say. The words died on my tongue.

I wish now that I still had my childhood journals because I wrote down all of my rebuttals–after the fact.On paper, I was the most self-confident, well spoken person.

My battle with rejection kept me from saying much. It was easier, I believed, to not say anything at all than to lose a relationship–even if the relationship was unhealthy.

This obsession with not being rejected didn’t lead to greater acceptance. It only led to more loneliness.

I honestly believed that being a doormat was my best choice.

Each time a muddy boot plowed over me, I took that pain and buried it deep, but you can only bury things for so long.

Stuffing emotions is a lot like taking trash to a landfill. The hole is deep but it fills up to overflowing fast. No matter how much you pack the trash down, there comes a time when full is full.

I encourage you to not remain silent. I understand that confrontation is not easy. Not standing up for yourself, though, only leads to frustration and regret.

What you have to say is important.

You are important.

It’s time to take off your “Wipe Your Paws” t-shirt.

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The confusion of neutrality

I was asked to share my thoughts on gender neutrality, so here I go.

If Bob identifies as Sally, it’s wrong to not allow Sally into the ladies room. It’s also wrong to not call him a her.

The confusion and tension around these issues is palpable.

Universities now have whole departments dedicated to educating students on gender diversity. The University of Tennessee’s department made headlines for encouraging the use of gender neutral pronouns.

This year at registration, Harvard asked students to give their names and the pronouns they want to be identified by. This is to aid professors and create inclusivity in the classroom. Students at the University of Vermont have the same options.

You can even be considered “genderqueer” which is a term that indicates you fluctuate between masculinity and femininity.

Online dating sites and Facebook allows users to customize their genders. There are over 50 options to choose from.

Yes, many feel that gender is not limited or confined to sex. Gender is a continuum and each individual falls somewhere within the spectrum.

Parents are joining the war for gender neutrality by asking Target to remove gender signage. Little Jimmy wants to play with Barbies and Little Susie wants to play with Nerf guns.

I did a lot of reading for today’s post. My brain is about to explode….

I find it hard enough to be a heterosexual female in today’s world and if you read yesterday’s post, you know that it’s an even bigger challenge to still be a virgin.

Now I have to ask my friends for their name and preferred pronoun.

I could think John Doe is a cute guy one day and the next day he’s wearing a skirt.

There are no absolutes anymore.

All of these changes are supposed to make life easier for everyone, so why does it get more confusing by the day?

Gender is a subject that can never be made neutral–no matter how many pronouns we add.

For your consideration:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/gender-neutral-pronouns-when-they-doesnt-identify-as-either-male-or-female/2014/10/27/41965f5e-5ac0-11e4-b812-38518ae74c67_story.html

http://wjhl.com/2015/09/02/ramsey-threatens-action-after-ut-post-on-gender-neutral-pronouns/

http://www.tennessean.com/story/news/education/2015/09/01/lawmaker-senate-should-investigate-ut-pronouns-post/71529306/

http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/2015/09/03/harvard-allows-students-register-with-gender-neutral-pronouns/IM40t3nOzXT8kcvN40RHeO/story.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/08/education/edlife/a-university-recognizes-a-third-gender-neutral.html?_r=1

https://corporate.target.com/article/2015/08/gender-based-signs-corporate

http://time.com/3990442/target-gender-based-signs/

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A conversation with God

Prayer is a fancy word that means talking to God. It’s a divine conversation that is special and grows richer and deeper with time.

Think about your best friend. I bet you didn’t meet he or she in one day and the next day start bearing your soul.

Prayer, much like the other spiritual disciplines, takes time to grow.

Now, it’s also not complicated either. Just open your mouth and talk to God. He loves it when you talk to him!

Tell him about your day, thank him for the many blessings in your life, and go to him on behalf of others.

I talk to God a lot in the car. He’s my favorite road trip buddy. I tell him about my sadness and burdens. I tell him how excited I am. And, a lot of times, I just tell God how thankful I am. We just talk as I drive. It’s awesome!

My point in sharing all of this is simple.

A lot of people make prayer really hard. They think God’s too busy or not interested. None of those things are true.

He always has time to hang out and talk to you.

Spend some time this weekend talking to God. Don’t hold anything back.

And, don’t be too surprised when God starts talking to you too. He’ll speak words of comfort, encouragement, and direction.

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Internal Dialogue Syndrome

Today’s post won’t be long. I simply want to plant a seed about a topic I plan to discuss over the next few days.

How many times have you walked away from a conversation thinking:

I should’ve said this or that! Why did I just stand there and let him or her talk to me that way? Here’s what I should’ve done…

Well, I have this internal dialogue at least three times a week.

What’s stopping me and you from speaking up?

That’s all I’m going to say for now. Take some time to think about it, okay?

If you’re feeling brave, I’d love to hear from you. Leave a comment below.